feel free to vent to me in the comments ♡

venting abt my family pt.1

HIII EVERYONE!!!!! I AM SORRY FOR NOT POSTING FOR A LONNNG TIME IT WAS EID AND I WAS W MY COUSINS SOOO YA! 😁
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Sooo ummm spending time w my family actually made me realise somethings like how horrible they are to me...

Like how my little cousins (male) (uncle)  from my mom's side always prefer my little cousin (girl) (aunt). Like they are always stuck w her always ask where she is, what she is doing, when she's gonna come, etc.... but no one asks for me.... I feel left out... like they're playing favorites... idk is there smth wrong w me? Is it bc I am older and I don't play their childish games like running in grandma's house even tho the adults are litterly screaming at us...? Am I boring? Idek.... they say we love you two equally but they don't show it.... I always play babysitter and take care of them, comfort them, play online games w them but... I never seen them try comfort me... I've always hated my family but they were one of my little reasons to live... but now... there's nothing to live for for me... my grandma hates me, she is absolutely playing favorites loving the youngest of us more than the others and one of mg male cousins is the most hated I feel bad like very bad so I try and help him out clarify for my grandma that everything is NOT  his fault but guess what it never works... I started talking back to her bc she's ignorant. She tells me to shut up, not talk, I am talking to him not you, none of your business and other bullshit... I never listen to her bc she CHANGED. Before I was lobed and preferred but now after my grandfather's death I am treated badly by her I am hated idk why what did I do wrong tell me so I can fix it.... but nothing. Yesterday I started having the urge to die again it's not the first time... why did this urge have to come back why....? What did I do? Should I change? Should I just end myself? It's not like anyone will feel bad I mean I imagined it a lot and thought of it.... is what I am feeling normal? Should I feel like this... idk....
And also I feel smth idk if it's jealousy.... like.... all of mh cousins have nice things... Nice houses, nice apartments, nice technology, understanding parents ....everything.... but me.... I only got my phone and charger I am grateful I really am... but I feel like it's not fair..... they all are having fun, laughing, expressing themselves when they need too, they are motivated, good at everything, good at classes, religion, social, have a lot of friends, everyone likes them ... but I keep making more enemies even tho I don't want any enemies... I don't want someone to hate me... but ppl end up despising me, some of my bffs left me to rot and acted like they never knew me it's tiring...being ignored and all.... another thing abt my cousin (female) that left me heart broken when she said: "I hate this family"  I was abt to cry... I mean I did hate this family in a way younger age than her but why now why do you have to experience that?
I am not even comfortable w my family at all. It's tiring...

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

If anyone relates pls tell me in the comments
I am here for yall for everyone who feels like they're alone ♡
.
.
.
.
.
YAY THAT WAS MY LONGEST CHAPTER YAHOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
...
..
.
♡