feel free to vent to me in the comments ♡

venting again

So ummm
how can I say this?
How can I say that I felt FINALLY FREE of the thought of wanting to die and commit suicide but then it came back.... I don't know why this keeps happening to me? I hate this. Is life ment to be this unfair? Why? Why can't i be happy for once? Why can't my happiness last for at least a day? Why does everyday have an argument misunderstanding and more? It's just too much... I mean I am in a vacation Why does sadness has to follow me? Ig I can never be happy... is that what it is??? Idk... I just stopped feeling one day and nothing mattered then my emotions came back and hit hard... the amounts of times that I wished that I die.... the first time I wished to die was at 9.... and then growing a bit more I realised how stupid I was for not realising what I have been going through or what everything ment when I was a little kid... I am... too young.... ik yall don't know my age but I am still not really a teen I am going to be in less than 2 months... I HATE MY FAMILY... but my heart sometimes can't handle hating anyone... I always feel guilty for hating them... what is wrong w me???? Is that why mist ppl prefered others than me??? Is that why my childhood friends left w no say? Is that why I've been ratted out and left to rot most of the time??? Is that why my parents treat every other kid better than me??? Is that why my parents appreciate others than me??? Is that why my family always compare me to others??? Is that why I have always felt alone even tho there is ppl around me? Is that why I started acting mature since 9 or less??? Can someone explain??? Do I deserve this???? Was I not being kind enough??? Was I not being sweet enough??? Y do I always think that others have it worse I should hold it and it is true there is ppl out there suffering more but.. should I ignore my feelings and not take better care of myself??? Ig I don't rlly matter.. I mean... I am nothing important in this world anyway... if I died no one is goin to notice.... it's pretty decided that no one is going to care.....