Sorry Not Sorry

Four

"Isabell! Isabell!", I turn around, because I'm conscious I do not want to lose my closest friend.

"I'm sorry about what I said, I didn't mean it-" I know she meant it. I admit I am pretty stupid, even though I used to be the smartest, I don't know what happened, I guess as a child I was forced into being smartest for everything, and now I'm making up, socially, for my missed childhood.

"No. You said sorry yesterday, and the day before, for the same shit, you've just given the word no meaning. You know I have emotions, right? Because if I called you a dumb fuck; you'd go home and cry!" I walk off. The same way I did with Aidan, forcing myself into the habit of not wanting to look back. I don't want to think about Aidan or Sienna or anything. So, I go to a place only I know.

I sit on the ground sheltered by the bushes and trees. My mind is racing. I hold my breath. It helps as to when I want to clear my mind, all I end up thinking about is being able to inhale air. A minute passes, and I take a breath, I feel better, but it might come back to me later. But for now? I'm fine.

School is over. Finally. I always tell myself not to see Lexy, but there's something about her that's so magnetic. I walk myself down to the park, and to my surprise, Jack is there. I try not to make eye contact as I'm walking up, until I'm in a 'speakable' distance.

"Jack was waiting for you, bel" Lexy can always tell when something needs to be said. I love her. As a friend. Do I really need to clarify that?

"Yeah! We were gonna walk you home, 'cause we're bored." Jack grabs my hand as I try to match his pace in walking, which he seems to already have done. I see his hand, with my name written on it, with a heart traced around it. He notices me looking at the drawing and smiles. We walk down the road and onto the pathway to my house, until I see something that makes my heart drop.

My mum's car.

She pulls over next to us and I let go of Jack's hand.

"What do you think you're doing Isabella?" I can feel everyone's eyes on us, I can see Lexy backing up by millimetres, from the corner of my eye. I'm staring at the floor. Trying to avoid eye contact. My mum starts pushing me.

"Get away from my daughter!" she says as Jack edges closer.

My mum lifts her hand and hits me hard across the face. The hair in my face hides it form everyone. I would cry, but I have no tears left.

"Woah! Stop! You can't just hit your own daughter like that!" I can tell Jack is trying to defend me, but I wish he didn't wait for me at the park. My mum tells them to go, until they get about a couple metres away, and drives up to them.

"YOU! STAY AWAY FROM MY DAUGHTER! LEAVE HER ALONE!"

"YOU CAN'T JUST FUCKING HIT HER" That's all I hear and from then on all I can do is see. And I'm seeing Jack scream at my mum, I don't know whose side to pick. So, I walk away. I can't bear watching Jack shouting at my mum, I run to the park, where there is a bridge.

I drop my bag on the floor, abandoning it to sit with the bushes, and climb up onto the bridge. I slowly walk across, knowing one wrong move could fuck me up. The thing is, you just have to stay calm, if you panic, you're more likely to fall. Which is why I'm not afraid of this. Because I know I can do it. I lower myself onto the edge and sit down. I look through my pockets, trying to find my blade. Instead of being arrested for homicide, I'd rather harm something else. Myself. Slowly dragging the blade over my skin, over and over again, until I see a streak of blood. it's like watching a sunset form. Beautiful. I don't want to talk to Jack. I don't want to talk to Sienna either. I stop and think, why is everything that could possibly be going wrong in my life. Going wrong.