To My Ex Friends

«Dealing with suicide «

Note* this section can be a trigger so if it becomes too much please skip this section!

Eleanor would joke around in 2018 that she would not make it to 2020. She would use this as a joke to deal with her depression. She would say it very often which was concerning.

What happened in 2020? I was sick with a fever and I had a unnatural intuition to text her. I told her I hope she's feeling good. She opened up to me saying "I was crying this morning bc I don't want to live anymore and thinking of suicide more often. I want to be happier, not sad. I want to be like i used to be. I have to become the kind of person i hate.
So, this morning, i went to the counselor and they were going to send me to the hospital for suicide prevention and it was serious. But i would be there for 3 days bc they dont want me committing suicide at home".

Moreover, of course, I told her it would break everyone's heart in a world without her. I don't know what i would've done without Eleanor in my life the time I had her. I was so glad that we won the bet and she did make it to 2020.

I have made a joke in the friendship that God has let me live another day. I didn't open up as much about my struggle with suicidal thoughts as she would.

My Mom was in a mentally and physically draining relationship with my Step Dad. In October 2014 she almost left him but went back into the relationship. She left my Grandmas (her Mom) house. I remember seeing the route changing when she picked me up from school. I did not want her to go back into the unhealthy relationship. I remember screaming in the car to her that I wanted to die.  I thought maybe her taking me to the hospital would help her leave the relationship. Instead, she took me back into that situation.

I used to not have the best social media history. I posted something cryptic on social media in 2016 after my Mom and Step Dad split up. I was 12 years old, I had a Sabrina Carpenter fan account. I wrote a post that asked if the Bible says suicide is really a sin. A parent of one of the fans emailed my mom. My Mom's email account was attached to my account. My Mom and I had a long conversation. From my experience, I won't be allowing my children on social media at 12.

Eventually, I found out from my Mom that her Dad committed suicide in 2013. July 18th marks 11 years. He was 55 and could've been 66 if he was still alive. I was 9 years old. I never met my Grandpa. It sucks that I did not get to have a relationship with him. I promised myself moving forward I would take measures to not worry my Mom with me passing that way.

I have not been perfect. After, the friendship breakup I had a small slip from not thinking about suicide for years up. I felt negative, I said "I am not going to make it to 19". I thought college was going to get really difficult. I was nervous for the future. It's 2024, I'm 20 now. I made it to 20 years old! It's a long journey but life is a beautiful thing to live. If you are reading this and you, or a friend, has struggled with feeling suicidal. Challenge the negative because the world is a better place with you in it.