Eighteen Letters To Juan Karlos •COMPLETED•

The Fifteenth Letter

Juan Karlos sat there, computer on his lap, staring.

Staring at the address on Google Earth, at the huge house, at the various toy cars and skipping ropes strewn across it's front lawn, at the faded wooden sign with GENERAL CITY CHILDREN'S CARE HOME painted on in careful, light blue brush strokes, one of the windows on the second floor had been flung open on the day the photo was taken, blue curtains flapping in the wind.

JK wondered if it was Addie's room. Because somewhere, in Cavite apparently, she was eating, or sleeping, or something. She was real, she was there, she was alive. And he could write back to her, he could go find her, he could do it.

It had been nearly two days since Darren had discovered what JK had failed to notice, and it was all he could think about. It was weird, yeah, but it was almost like finding out your favorite book character with a tragic past is real, and that they were living somewhere you could find them. And somehow it made it all the more worse, because these things were real, what had happened to Addie was real. Everything she'd gone through.

The realisation made him feel ill.

Because Addie was brilliant, Addie was beautiful, she was funny and sweet and lovely and Juan Karlos had never met her, but he felt like he knew her. So here's what he'd do: Find her, and then he'd let her know that she wasn't alone.

He just had to finish the the letters, he thought, tearing open the fifteenth. Just four more to go.

Dear Juan Karlos,

Lisa is still acting weird. I told you that in the last letter, but that was a week ago, and I don't understand, okay? She's quiet. Lisa isn't normally quiet. And now she's shifty and suspicious, like she's trying to keep something from me. I get that I've only known her for the best part of a year, but she's my bestfriend, and if she's got something to tell me, then I wanna know. But you know what's the worst thing? She keeps giving me these looks like she feels awful for something she hasn't done yet.

Evan used to give me the same look.

It was after Camille died, right? And it was during the times when all I used to do was cry, curl up underneath the covers and ignore reality. Because right then the world was gray and empty of the people I loved. They were all gone, JK. They left me. Do you know what that's like? To have no one that had the strength to behind for you? It's like having your heart ripped out daily, because everyday I look around and think about the empty spaces that they should be filling.

Juan Karlos wanted to tell her that he was still there, that he'd stay behind for her any day of his life. He'd do it, no hesitation. If he knew, if be lived another life, he'd do it. He just didn't know how.

I think I loved Evan. I think I genuinely loved him, JK. I might not have known it at the time, but I still miss him everyday. I miss them all.

"You can do it," he mumbled out loud. "I know you can."

But it still confuses me when people think that losing your mind makes it any easier,  because it still hurts. You still love someone even when they're gone forever.

JK tried to ignore the thought that came to him; what if he lost Addie without ever really having her, without really ever really knowing her? Maybe the truth was that she was already gone, that she'd left life the same way everyone she loved had left her. What if that's why she stopped writing? Oh no, what if she ended it?

He shouldn't think like that, he told himself. She's alive. She has to be.

It's funny how we can never keep the things we love in life, isn't it? The way that whenever you find something that makes you happy and you feel like nothing, absolutely nothing can go wrong this time. Then again, you're doing fine, aren't you? You're doing great, in fact. You've got money, friends, fame. Probably got some gorgeous, amazing girlfriend hidden somewhere too.

I hate that. Not that you probably have a girlfriend, even though it sucks, but I hate that I'm sitting here writing to someone hundreds of miles away who has no idea I exist, and will never, ever read anything I send to you. I hate that I had to fall in love with you, with the silly Cebuano boy on The Voice because it's like I'm never going to get a chance, am I?

You could, he thought somewhere in the back of his head, quietly. You could.

I just really love you. Juan Karlos. I'm sorry.

You're all I have these days. I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself. But I love you.

So I'll live.

Lots of love,
Addie

"Please be alive," he said quietly, tucking the letter back into its envelope.

"Please be strong. I'll be there soon."