Eighteen Letters To Juan Karlos •COMPLETED•

The Seventeenth Letter

The calendar sat on the wall, staring at him. Three days. Just three days, and he would be meeting Addie.

"Do you think I should ring up?" JK asked Darren anxiously, who looked up from where he was killing people on his PS4.

"Who?"

"The people at the home where Addie lives."

Darren paused, lowering the console slowly. "I don't know," he said. "Maybe. But surely you have to ask permission from our managers and stuff if it was official? Are you going to talk to all the people there?

Wincing, Juan Karlos shook his head. He felt guilty for only wanting to see Addie, but this was different. He knew her, he was sure he did. "I kind of really need to speak to just her, though. This needs to be about her for once." He said, voice quiet.

The was a moment of silence before Darren stood up, stretching. "I wouldn't then. I mean, you can, but if you do you'll end up having to get approval from our management, and that would postpone it, right?"

Juan Karlos silently thanked Darren for the level of understanding between them without it having to be discussed. "You're right. Thanks."

"It's alright. Good night." Darren mumbled as he left the room, leaving JK curled up on the sofa with the well worn packet of letters and a stomach full of excitement. He couldn't understand why he was so looking forward to meeting Addie, it was just the thought of finally seeing her in real life, hearing the voice behind the words, that made him feel slightly giddy inside.

Okay, maybe he did know why he was so excited, he realised as he opened his wallet again and fished out the photos Addie had sent him. He was just going to ignore that particular feeling for now. Shove it deep into the back of his head.

Right now, though, he desperately wanted to read more letters. With that thought in mind, he tore into letter seventeen.

Dear Juan Karlos,

Can I tell you something?

I'm scared. I'm so scared right now. I haven't been this terrified in a while. I've been sad, lonely, angry, but I'll be honest when I say it takes a lot to really, properly, scare me. The prospect of losing Camille used to terrify me back when I was younger. Before the accident. And then my parents died, and I started to think maybe I should start accepting the fact that being scared doesn't ever change anything.

Almost immediately, his excitement died down, his stomach sinking as he read. He'd forgotten almost, that Addie's mind hadn't been in a great place at the end of her last letter. That it seemed like she'd given hope almost entirely.

But I can't help it, now. I don't want to go to school, I can't do it, I can't. You understand that, right? I can't go back there, because I'm weak. I'm too weak to stand up to them on my own.

"No," he muttered in frustration. "You're so strong, why can't you see that?"

Lisa worries about me, I think. Whenever we're on the phone-which happens rarer and rarer, these days-she always makes sure to ask me if I'm okay. I always tell her yes, I'm fine, stop worrying about me so much. I'll be okay.

When she left, I believed the words I was saying to begin with. But I know now. Being 'okay' is not the same as being happy. Okay is a word you say when you don't feel happy at all, but you don't want someone you love to feel the same way, because of you. That's why I don't like shrinks or psychiatrists, because I've gotten so used to locking everything up. To minimize the damage I cause to everything else.

I guess you could say it's kind of like guilt. I've already got it weighing me down already, whispering in my ear that it's my fault they're gone. All I do these days is to try and stop myself from hurting someone I love again.

He wondered briefly what she'd done, to make her hate myself so much.

Susan said that's an awful lot of weight on my shoulders for me to carry. And then she offered me a Mentos.

Very helpful.

People are like that. They tell you these things like they know, like they understand. No matter what I do, there'll always be someone telling me that I need to get over this, I should just forget them, and my personal favorite; It's all in your head, Addison.

I know it's all in my head. I want you to get it out of there.

So you see, I'm stuck, aren't I? I can't stand up to them on my own, and I don't have someone to stand beside me.

Lots of love,
Addie

"You've got me," he said to himself as he packed the letter back into it's envelope, heading to bed. Over and over in his mind, the only thing keeping him sane.

You've got me. I'll be there soon.