JJBA- The Speedwagon Foundation Archives

Incident #2: Italy, 1938

Agent's notes
G⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛: So this next file, it's one of our earliest audio files. As you can see, it's on vinyl. I'm really surprised it lasted this long! Most of my vinyl collection is from the 80s, and it's already scratched and...
S⬛⬛⬛⬛: Can we get on with it? The foundation isn't interested in your hipster old man vinyl collection, Art.
G⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛: It was merely an intellectual observation, Paula. Anyway, this is our only recording of a class 7 incident that's dated AD rather than BC.
S⬛⬛⬛⬛: So do these Vampira Ultima things even still exist?
G⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛: There's two in stasis in the archives, and rumours of a lone female. Aside from that, they're all dead. We covered it all up, and locked away any artefacts that mentioned their existence.
S⬛⬛⬛⬛: You mean stole.
G⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛: Can we just play the recording? I have to be home on time today, I need to take Mrs Robinson to the vet's.
Begin Transcript
Y'know, I didn't know any of this was going to happen. Say, you're a friend of Miss E⬛⬛⬛⬛, ain't you? Still can't believe we escaped that thing!
*Witness laughs*
Still, if you want a statement, I'll give ya one. So I'm S⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛ B⬛⬛⬛⬛, and it all started when I tried to pick the pocket of this rich white tourist kid. Anyway, one thing leads to another, and I end up learning about these Vampira Ultima things. Turns out, the guys who kidnapped S⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛ had one of these on ice, and J⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛ ended up killing it or something.
Unintelligible speech
Frozen? Not killed? So it can come back? That's.... Anyway, J⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛ kills two of these things, and apparently the three big ones ate a whole platoon of Nazi soldiers who awakened them. Sucked all their juices out, and they ended up lookin' like a load of used condoms. What? The war's over, they can't come after us.
(Post-transcript note: See file marked "Stalingrad, 1943" for information on death of Major R⬛⬛⬛⬛ Von S⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛ and possible encounter of a class 7 stand)
Anyway, so I'd ended up being dragged out to Europe by Mr Speedwagon, who'd been worried about J⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛. Turns out, his coach was also his mother! Anyway, she'd been absolutely wrecked by this huge guy, and I mean, HUGE. It was dark, I couldn't make out all of him, but he was like 7 foot tall and had all this purple hair. He was real buff too, and only wore a loincloth. Looked like a male stripper... And did I mention the huge knives coming out his arms? So this guy's fighting Joseph, and he's absolutely out of his league. Mr S⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛'s terrified, and fucking Major Von Tin-man or whatever his name was is screaming orders, trying to light up his UV lamps. This pillar man- Kars- he's on the floor, facing the ground, and the sun's just about to rise. But just as the UV lamps light up, he turns around, and he's wearing this stone mask with a red stone in the brow. J⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛ filled me in later that apparently combining those three things would give him mastery over the sun? I don't get how it can do that, but it turns out that Kars has just figured it all out, and we've ended up helping him out. I was freaking terrified! This thing was writhing around with a mask clamped onto his face, and all these beams of rainbow light bursting out of his skin! And the mask falls off, and then.... Then....
*Unintelligible*
He could fly. He could grow wings! This creative was chasing us, and... And I was terrified! I don't know what to say, and he was just getting closer, and... Look, I don't want to talk about this, alright?
Huh?
Look, I'm a normal guy. I don't want to think about what happened on that day, because it was terrifying. It's been nearly a decade, and I still can't sleep right whenever there's a meteor shower. What if he comes back?
End Transcript

G⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛: The SPW provided him with witness protection, and got him a scholarship to Harvard for politics. He was one of their most successful black students, don't you know?
S⬛⬛⬛⬛: He sounds like that old politician from the 70s. You're telling me that he apparently saw a pillar man ascend, but he couldn't even describe it?
G⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛: The poor guy was traumatised, have a heart. He got chased by a vampiric being that used to be thought of as a god.
S⬛⬛⬛⬛: And now it's in space?
G⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛: You'll like this- we've got evidence of it.

Begin Transcript
Status update from Persephone 21 deep space probe- currently passing oort cloud, entering deep space. Probe has encountered an anomaly- rock shaped like winged humanoid in foetal position. Have you ever heard the expression "music of the spheres?" There are those that say things that are deep in the cosmos sing to themselves, their songs spreading across the universe and bringing cosmic order.
There is no music here. These spheres do not sing- they scream. No signs of life are detected at all, and yet this thing just keeps screaming and screaming and screaming, endlessly.
I fear why.
End Transcript
(Post-transcript note- since this incident does not involve any stand users, M⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛ A⬛⬛⬛⬛ has not been consulted.)
S⬛⬛⬛⬛: Jesus Christ, what kind of grimdark bullshit was that? The probe's got to be faulty.
G⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛: That was bonafide proof! Look, there's even a photograph...
(S⬛⬛⬛⬛ goes silent as she looks at it)
S⬛⬛⬛⬛: You're sure all these things are either dead or in stasis?
G⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛: Definitely. We'll be reviewing more later, surely. Are you quite alright?
P⬛⬛⬛⬛: I'm fine... How about you just go home to Mrs Robinson, and... I'll go home too. This thing, this pillar man, it's real. And there's proof. These exist. They....
(Audio cuts off. It's believed that S⬛⬛⬛⬛ fainted at this point, yet she denies this. Any analysis of the archives was postponed for a few days after this event, in order for agents to take part in preparatory training and post-recording therapy and wellness checks.)
End Recording