Yeein' On That 'Haw

Breaking and Entering or Dumpster Diving?

Once I finished assuring Norm that we wouldn't be in this dumpster for long, I turned around to see if there were any, like... treasures I could fish out of the filth. Maybe if we found some C-4 in this dumpster, we would be able to counter Billy. There were some old banana peels, some burger wrappers, a couple paper cups and–

...There was a man in the corner.

I immediately began screaming. What else was I supposed to do? There was a man curled up in this dumpster!

Well, I guess I was also technically in the dumpster, but I didn't know this guy's intentions. I hardly noticed over my own terror when the unknown man also started screaming. Norm turned around, expression disgruntled, and slammed a hand over my speaker. "'f you don't shut the hell up!"

I silenced myself, and the man's screams died down shortly after. We stared at each other wordlessly for a time. Hang on a second, I recognized this guy! This was the guy I almost witnessed the murder of!... Actually, does it count as murder if it's a swan? I like to think so. We were in similar boats, him and I. He just dealt with it... far more frequently. I also thought his entire being was funny. Like, he had a bandy-aid on his forehead that read 'fuckface.' That's hilarious! Couldn't quite remember his name, though.

Norm immediately pointed his revolver at the man– not quite intending to shoot, but ready to if need be. "Who're you?" He began.

The fuckface guy lifted his arms in a terrified gesture of submission, pressing himself farther up against the dumpster's wall. "R-Randy! Randy Jade! Please– Please don't shoot me!" His flip-phone-head's screen flickered frantically between various colors, expressing panic. He seemed fucking terrified of Norm, though I could tell it wasn't just because he had a gun. Now that I got a better look at him, myself and this guy were dressed pretty similarly: hoodie, flannel, some worn jeans– the only difference was the color scheme, of which he wore cooler-toned colors like blue and grey. Fit his overall vibe, honestly. Oh, and the bandages on his hands. Those were pretty wack.

"Hang on, Randy Jade? The Randy Jade?" I took a step closer to the cowering man. "Like, phone-sex hotline Randy Jade?"

Wow, this was becoming better by the second. I had seen this guy around, but never quite made the connection that he was the same guy with the cheesy-ass introduction on the phone-sex hotline. I never imagined they could be the same person!

Both Norm and our newly-met friend froze. Norm looked at me with his most confused expression yet. "...Y'call phone sex hotlines?"

I paused. "Oh, right, uh," I waved my hand dismissively. "For funsies. I thought it was funny that there was a phone-sex hotline in a city full of phones. Irony, y'know? I'm a curious person."

Randy extended a meekly accusatory hand in my direction. "Are...Are you the person that heard my introduction and just... started laughing? Continuously? Until I hung up?"

I snickered at the memory. His introduction was ridiculous! "Yeah, that was me."

"Oh." I could practically hear the frown in his voice as his head lowered to look at the floor. "That really hurt my feelings."

I suddenly felt overwhelming pity for this poor man. But now I was confused– why was he in this dumpster? Oh well, Norm still had a gun pointed at him, I might as well ask. "Say, Randal, what're you doing in this here dumpster?"

"I live here!" Randy exclaimed, and immediately regretted it. He quieted down. "M-My jobs don't really pay the bills, so I pay Bunny to let me live in his dumpster."