Yeein' On That 'Haw

God Among Men

Once Norm and I had left the alley, it all seemed to be smooth sailing. Every once in a while, I heard him grumble about my decision to keep the trigger, saying how it was dangerous and we didn't know what it did and blah blah blah yeehaw blah blah. I was pretty out of it at that point and just wanted to go home. I'm pretty sure we hadn't slept in like, a day, and I needed my naps, man. I was a sleepy human being.

The streets of Downtown Dialtown seemed less real by the second. I never quite saw this world as being real, because it wasn't– it was a bunch of code inside of an arcade cabinet. But as I continued to live in it, I found myself becoming attached to it– the way it looked, its funky characters, even my own appearance, I started to not mind it. As much as it upset me that the game's code didn't allow me to get too close to the NPCs, I had tried to make it home. But right then, as I walked those empty streets with Norm, it suddenly appeared as it did to me when I first arrived here: flat. A screen.

I felt a sudden presence to my right as Norm picked up his speed so he could walk at my side. His grip remained firm on his revolver. "Yer walkin' slower. What's rattlin' ya?"

I couldn't help but hesitate. Even if he knew he was a video game character, he never seemed to mind that. I assumed he took our realities as separate universes, not that he was a smaller being who only existed in a digital space. He had always taken it well. But the thing is, I didn't want him to feel as if his world weren't even real to me. I didn't want him to know that I thought of him as only a character in a video game.

I thought of how he spilled his thoughts to me back in the subway, and I no longer hesitated. It was unfair of me to keep secrets from him when he so readily told me his. "Nothing here means anything to me, Norm," I began. "To me, it's nothing but a bunch of code. Sure, it may feel solid, but it's just... flat. I know nothing here is actually real, and it really messes with me. I can't form meaningful relationships with anything." I looked down at the ground, watching my sneakers as I walked. "Not even with you. I understand that you care about me, and it feels really nice to know that, but... my brain knows that you aren't real."

There was a long bout of silence. I didn't look up at him– I couldn't. If I did, I might have cried. And I didn't want to leak any kind of fluid from my phone-head right then.

Norm finally said something to break the tense silence, his voice taking on a tone I had never heard before from him. It was quiet and heavy, like a dense fog. I couldn't quite tell if it was sad, angry, or an attempt at maintaining his stoic appearance. "That's all I am t'ya?"

I immediately stopped dead in my tracks, turning to face him and looking up at his bag-face. His expression was blank. "No, no! I-I just..." I paused, trying to figure out what I should say next. "You're... you're... have you ever– uh..." I shook my head to clear it of fog. "Like a pet! You know how like... you love a pet as much as anyone else, but you know it's gonna die, like, way before you, and you know it's not as sentient as you, and–"

"I'm like a pet now?" Norm interjected. Now he sounded mildly upset. "That's how ya think o' me? Somethin' t' be coddled an' taken care of? 'Cause I ain't capable o' takin' care o' myself, right?"

I frantically shook my head, hearing a panicked edge creep into my voice. "No! You-you don't understand, Norm, you're–"

"Because I'm not real, huh?" He interrupted me once more, taking an almost aggressive step forward. I countered it with a step backward. I could hear something new in his voice as it became louder: hurt. "I ain't capable o' feelin' real emotion. That's it, right? That's what ya think? 'Cause I'm code, huh?" He leaned into my face, practically hissing his next words, "Well, I'll tell ya what this lump o' code 's feelin' right now. I'm feelin' pretty goddamn betrayed."

His words rang in the air like a funeral toll. My heart sank to my shoes, and I looked down at them as if to try and find it. Norm straightened his back and returned to his full height. Silence blanketed us.

"I'll show ya what some NPC is capable of, since y'think yer so special. I'm goin' after Mingus myself," Norm spat before turning away from me. "Don't follow me." I noticed how hard he was holding his revolver– his knuckles had turned white. I extended a hand to try to get him to wait, but he was moving before I could grab him.

"Norm, wait, please just let me explain–" I found that my voice had dampened to barely a whisper, and it trailed off before I could even try to say anything else. My feet felt as if they were made of lead. I could only watch him go, my vision blurring with the saline water built into my head that functioned as tears.

Just as I was about to curl up into a ball right there in the middle of the sidewalk, I heard a high-pitched whistle from directly behind me. I whirled around, trembling, only to find fucking God. "Maaaan, that was rooooughhh," he slurred.

"Damn it, why can't I catch a break?!" I cried out, voice cracking with emotion.

"'Ey, calm down, I'm just a transfixed audience member," he said, pulling on the edges of his open shirt as if they were suspenders. "I dunno what soap opera you guys were rehearsing, but that was good."

"It wasn't a soap opera, you fuckin' dick! That was real!" I yelled at him, taking a step closer. I covered my phone-face with one hand, trying to wipe away the makeshift tears.

The tv-screened man only stared at me for a moment, dumbfounded expression on the dog on the screen's face before speaking again. "...Ohhhhh! Well, sucks to be you." He made to leave, only for me to stop him. I had nobody else to talk to. I needed advice.

"Hey, homeless man, I... really need help," I mumbled reluctantly.

He looked at me, confused, for just a moment before turning back around to face me completely. "That's new, but okay, I guess. I can eat garbage at a later date, if my calendar allows."

I didn't question his garbage-eating, only looked down at the ground so I wouldn't have to look at him while I spoke. "That yeehaw-man, I don't know how to feel about him. I'm kind of, like, from another universe where this is a video game, so none of you feel real to me. I don't even know why I'm allowed to get so emotionally close with him."

God nodded along, humming thoughtfully as if he were listening. I knew he definitely wasn't. "So you're from one of those parallel realities, hmm, I see."

I looked at him weird for a moment before continuing. "Right. Well, I told him this, and he kinda... freaked out. We were gonna murder Mayor Mingus, but now he's gonna go try to do it alone, which will probably get him killed."

The homeless man looked at me, dumbfounded once again, only to slap himself in the face. "Oh, you two are the ones I'm supposed to bring to Mingus alive!" He scoffed. "Whoopsie."

"Come the fuck on, man, why is everyone in this damn city hunting me down?!" I shouted in pure, abject frustration.

"Yo, broski, I'm not gonna getcha just yet. I think I have a solution to your little dilemma." God made a face that communicated to me that he was absolutely, soul-crushingly high on something. Probably nectar. "Y'just gotta be there at the right time and the right place, preferably with a lil' kiss. Lil' kisses make everything better."

I paused, looking at him like he was an idiot. "...A lil' kiss? Really? I don't even have lips! You didn't give us lips, God!"

"You're ignoring the first part, homeslice." He restated his previous advice, holding one of his calloused, mysteriously-stained fingers in the air. "Be at the right place at the right time."

"What does that even mean? You're just confusing me even more!" I complained.

"Ahhhh, you'll get it eventually." He cracked his knuckles. "Anyway, I'm gonna snatch you up now."

"...What?"

And just like an arcade machine being unplugged, everything went black.