Yeein' On That 'Haw

Okay, But Is It Really Terrorism?

When I finally returned to consciousness, there was no merciful brief moment of confusion where I wondered what exactly happened. I immediately remembered what had happened before this– I severely fucked up talking to Norm, making him hate me, and when I confided in God, he told me some weird shit about lil' kisses then proceeded to 'snatch me up.'

Now, where the hell was I?

I didn't hesitate to re-enable my ocular sensors and have a look around. My senses were immediately assaulted by bright colors– mainly royal purple– and several mildly unpleasant scents that I couldn't quite place. I sat up and glanced downward, finding that I had been slouched back in a somewhat oversized mauve leather armchair. I was immediately hit with a wave of confusion; why hadn't I been restrained? Did my captors decide that I was too wimpy to even think about trying to fight them? Or perhaps there was a deeper reason that I was too groggy to think about at that moment.

When my vision finally focused, I realized that I wasn't alone. There, seated across from me behind a mahogany desk that had been painted with a purple varnish, was Mayor fucking Mingus Crown. Clad in her signature royal purple flight-attendant-ass uniform and tiny top hat, wielding her egotistical cane.

And, of course, I began screaming like a dumbass. She was just sitting there! Looking at me! What else was I supposed to do?

"Ahh, my ears!" The Mayor began, lifting her gloved hands to cover said ears. "Shut up! I have the super-hearing of a feline, you know that!"

My frightened screaming slowly died down, and I immediately adjusted myself so I wasn't awkwardly hunched backward in this chair. I instinctively checked my clothing for wrinkles before remembering that this was Mayor Mingus I was dealing with. She was a corrupt politician that probably served as a main antagonist in the arcade game I was stuck in. This was a bad guy that Norm and I had been trying to assassinate. I didn't have to look good for a bad guy.

Once the Mayor realized that my screaming had halted, she delicately lowered her hands to rest in her lap. The movement carried the grace of a feline– as was expected. "Ah, finally," she sighed in her sickly sweet voice. "You're right on time, by the way. I was afraid I would have to postpone my meeting, but I don't! Excellent– quite fortuitous."

"You've been... expecting me?" I croaked in that embarrassing voice that everyone has when they wake up from a damn good nap. "I was unconscious."

"Yes, you were." Mingus nodded, pompously folding her fingers together upon the surface of the desk. "And you awakened right on time. So I applaud your purr-functory punctuality."

I felt the urge to raise a nonexistent eyebrow. I didn't know what the word 'perfunctory' meant, but it was probably unrelated to my punctuality. Knowing Mingus, it was probably just an excuse to put emphasis on the 'purr' part of that word's pronunciation. Fuckin' cat. I decided not to question her intentions with having me here, reasoning that she would reveal that to me soon enough.

"Anyway, if I may begin tonight's festivities, we have much to discuss," Mingus leaned forward ever so slightly, sliding her chair in to get a fraction closer to me.

"Can't you, like, make this room smell less like piss first?" I questioned, gesturing widely to the room. The scent was getting distracting– I didn't care how rude it was to interrupt her when she began talking business.

I saw one of her eyes twitch. "No," she responded, voice filled with barely-concealed frustration. "No, I cannot. And for the record, that did not come from me! I would never do my... business in my own office! That would be completely preposterous!"