I hate you | B.E.

4

LOVE SO BITTERSUITE

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"I hate you."

Billie tossed and turned through the night, those words echoing repetitively in her mind. She was well aware of how much Aurelia despised her, and truthfully, Aurelia had every reason to feel that way. Yet, amidst the bitterness, when Billie was clinging onto Aurelia in the locker rooms, crying until she couldn't breathe, she found herself craving the warmth of their lost friendship. Strangely, Aurelia's words of hate began to sound almost like expressions of hidden affection. Billie knew she wasn't sobbing like a baby because of a stupid boner...well, the embarrassment played a big role, But mostly, she cried out of anger at herself. Billie felt she had become a dreadful person, unable to be the person Aurelia deserved. She desperately wanted to be better for the only girl she had ever loved, but she was lost in how to achieve that.

The longing to embrace Aurelia again nearly tore Billie apart, the guilt that gnawing at her soul. She realized with painful clarity that their falling out was primarily her fault. Billie had inflicted hate on Aurelia for so long that she had forgotten how to love her. 

It wasn't that Billie had stopped loving Aurelia; it was her unrequited love that had become the Cause of Billie's actions. Aurelia had for sure once loved Billie, but not in the same consuming way that Billie loved her, and that realization was devastating. Billie's inability to manage her emotions had driven her to irrational actions, blurring the lines between love and destruction. She had become adept at hurting Aurelia, losing sight of how to truly cherish her. 

Billie brought her hands to her face, lying there, consumed by her thoughts. Before she knew it, she was shaking, sobbing into her pillows that offered no solace like Aurelia's arms did...like they once did. This was not the first time she had cried herself to sleep at the thought of Aurelia.

All she yearned for was their friendship to return, but would she be able to control herself? to hide her undying love for her? When she gazed into Aurelia's deep brown eyes, inhaled her floral scent, embraced her in a "friendly" hug, or received a kiss on the cheek, filled with love, but not the type of love Billie hoped for— could she deal with that? Would she be able to live with the fact that the girl she was so in love with, did not feel the same? Or would she continue to be selfish, hurting Aurelia, to avoid confronting her own emotions?

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The next morning, Aurelia awoke with the memory of how tightly Billie had clung to her the day before still fresh in her mind. She couldn't shake the feeling of Billie's body pressed against hers, crying in her embrace. It was a side of Billie she hadn't seen since they were children.

6th grade, elementary 

"Billie, it's okay, breathe..." Aurelia gently shushed Billie, her fingers soothingly tracing patterns on her back and playing with Billie's blonde hair. Billie lay on top of Aurelia on her bed, their bodies intertwined, Aurelia's smaller frame comforting Billie's larger one. Soft sniffles escaped Billie, her body trembling with each breath.

"It's no fair! The teacher only got me in trouble without even listening to what I had to say!" Billie nestled closer against Aurelia's chest, her voice muffled yet tender. As Billie's hand slipped under Aurelia's shirt, gently gripping her waist for comfort, butterflies fluttered wildly in Aurelia's stomach. She smiled softly, her heart warming at Billie's touch, and replied with equal tenderness.