I hate you | B.E.

17

I just wish that what I promise 
would depend on what I'm given,
(Not on his permission, Wasn't my decision)
to be abused.

___

Aurelia sat on the white, fluffy chair, absentmindedly playing with the hem of her skirt, avoiding eye contact.

"I'm sorry, I know I'm not talking much."

The school counselor, who had been provided for the students after the shooting, glanced up. She was sitting casually in her chair, her heels kicked up on the coffee table. Aurelia had seen her around the halls before, always in colorful clothing adorned with mandala patterns, flowy pants, her hair styled in stunning ways. The counselor's gentle demeanor and serene presence put Aurelia at ease. She must have been of Middle Eastern descent or something of the sort. The counselor was reading her book peacefully, giving Aurelia space to speak whenever she felt ready. Now, her full attention was on Aurelia, her gaze warm and patient.

"That's all right, Aurelia. You don't have to talk if you don't want to," she giggled softly, a sound that eased Aurelia's nerves. "But if something is bothering you, you can tell me. Anything. It doesn't even have to be about the tragic events of last week," she said sincerely.

Aurelia's mind was a whirl of conflicting thoughts, about everything—the shooting and... Billie. She almost feared her own body for loving Billie so deeply, even after everything that had happened. 

The counselor reached for her mug, bringing it to her lips. Aurelia watched her, then let out a sigh and sat up straighter.

"I'm in love with a girl who used to abuse me, and we had sex," Aurelia blurted out. Her eyes widened in shock, almost not believing she had just said that.

The counselor nearly choked on her tea, quickly pulling the cup away from her mouth and wiping the splattered tea from her lips with the tips of her fingers. She looked at Aurelia, slightly taken aback but trying to compose herself, not wanting to make Aurelia uncomfortable.

"Um... honey, could you please explain further?" she asked gently, her voice steady but laced with concern.

Aurelia let out a dry chuckle, though nothing was funny. She put her head in her hands, pulling her cheeks down and letting her eyes droop as she gasped. She knew she needed to explain her and Billie's relationship in depth. Top to bottom.

"In the fourth grade..." 

Aurelia began, her words spilling out in a ramble. She continued speaking, the floodgates of her thoughts and feelings opened wide. The counselor listened attentively, taking notes and nodding along, pleased with how much Aurelia was sharing.

___

The counselor listened intently as Aurelia poured out her emotions, from the bursts of anger to the soft, trembling tears. Her eyes were focused, taking in every word and every emotion that surfaced.

"So, the shooting was the tipping point, I'm assuming," The counselor concluded gently, her voice soft. She put her pen and notebook down on her lap momentarily, looking up at Aurelia through her glasses. Her eyes were kind, filled with understanding.