Red Reaper - Soldiers of Fortune [book one]

Chapter THIRTY FIVE

Konstantin Ivanov

Lucky becomes silent as the dead, absorbing the impact of my words as she slowly sinks back down to sit on the end of the bed, her expression agonisingly hurt.. Tears glitter at the edges of her emerald eyes and her breath becomes a stilted series of short sharp gasps.. "Is this because I pressured you last night? I thought you wanted me, but I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable or anything.. Please, Konstantin-- I-- I won't do it again.."

Last night had been nothing short of bliss, but it betrayed everything in the natural order of life and balance of the universe..

"I did not feel pressure, Luchenskaya.. I feel perverted.." It was wrong of me, to satiate myself with the flesh of such a darling girl.. I cannot take her most precious youth from her, have her waste her golden time on me.. I won't steal the best years of her life..

I want her to have everything and perhaps now she believes I can make her happy, but I have been here before..

Arina once believed in me, gave me her heart and trust and for that she ended up dead.. Drown in despair and frozen beneath the ice, taking my son and my sanity with her..

I will not be the evil to extinguish Lucky's light..

Her sunshine will burn so much brighter without me, and it had taken last night for me to realise just how vile and selfish my actions have been..

I have a responsibility to protect her from making the worst mistake of her life in trusting me.. I am supposed to have the wisdom to know what is best and do what is right..

"This is all because you still think I'm too young.. Isn't it? Or is it because I'm a virgin?" Her teeth clench together in annoyance and her nose crinkles in that cute way it does when she's angry.. "Do you really believe I'm that stupid.. Do you think I'm too dumb to know what I want?"

"Nyet.. It iz becauze you know exactly what you want, Malishka.." I settle beside her to make my efforts to explain, though our distance in age is definitely a factor.. I am twice as old and ten times as exhausted.. I couldn't keep up with her, even if I wanted to, there is no pretending that soon enough she will see me as an old man, weighing her down.. "You want to be married, to make a family, to have children, Da?"

I find it impossible to believe that she understands the difference between us is an obstacle impossible to overcome..

I am forty two, over the hill, turning grey and soon to be another year older.. While she is a sunny eyed twenty years younger..

She puzzles as she turns to peer up at me, batting her dark lashes as my heart sinks to my stomach where it corrodes and cracks.. "So? Don't you want those things too?"

Even with the stupid longing I have for it, I can see the ending and consider the optics far more effectively than Lucky.. A wedding and and a child would be a chain that tied her to me forever.. A chain I want nothing more to wrap her in like a hostage to hold her captive.. Even if it wouldn't be fair..