Red Reaper - Soldiers of Fortune [book one]

Chapter FIFTY FOUR

Lucky O’Cléirigh

The scent of sea salt stings my nose as Brody drags me down to the dockyards and through the maze of shipping containers.. My heart thunders in my chest, the wind blusters and the sky overhead looms a gloomy grey as spits of sleet begin to fall, frosty upon my cheeks..

The dark weather is a mirror to my emotions, tumultuous and stormy, miserable and threatening the very worst.. For the second time in my unfortunate life, I find myself held captive by an ex-boyfriend and the unlikely insanity of it all is not lost on me..

I can’t help but return to my old habits of thinking that something in me must be broken for this to be happening again.. How is it that I have been programmed to repeat this self-destructive cycle over and over again?

Will I ever be free?

Will I ever escape the torment?

Is this all just the manifestation of the damage that Lorcan left with me, or is this stupidity simply who I am?

Am I some kind of naive little lamb who everybody sees as an easy target?

Is that why these predators circle me, waiting to pounce at any given opportunity?

It is only in my bleakest moment of desperation when I can see so clearly that there is only one person who never took advantage of me.. There is only one man who had the patience to wait a lifetime and the presence of mind to resist my reckless abandonment..

Konstantin saw all my scars, my worst behaviour, my darkest hours, my secrets and shame and my greatest fears.. He witnessed the parts of myself that I despise and hid from the world and still he loved me..

He loved me for what I am, not what he wanted me to be.. He took my broken shards and secured them back together through his steadfast belief in me, him, the only man to believe I was strong, capable and courageous.. He had been sweet when I was sad, brutally honest when I was bitchy and above all else he’d never treated me as if I were so fragile that I might shatter all over again.. He didn’t deny my desires, nor did he make me do anything I didn’t want to do..

I am not so naive that I don’t understand the impossible construct of perfection, but there is no denying that what we had was just that.. Our love, what we shared, it was perfect.

The way Konstantin believed in me with such absolute certainty had almost convinced me that I could do anything and now that I have been torn away from him, I feel weak once more..
Helpless.. The Russian had made me feel so much braver than I fear I actually am.. When I stood beside him I was whole and powerful.. Now on my own again and underneath the boot of yet another bad man, I feel nothing but pathetic.

Why am I so worthless?

Everytime I think I have figured myself out, another ugly issue rears its vile head and I am forced to face the fact that I am damaged goods.. I had never been able to defend myself because I felt I deserved every cruel hand life dealt to me.. I had no hope of escape, not from Lorcan. I had remained quiet and compliant, a plaything for his sick satisfaction.. I had been a pawn to Declan, used as leverage in his twisted games with my sister.. And I had been spineless against Wren, never able to speak my truth, dying silently inside every time his clammy hands crawled over my skin..