Red Reaper - Soldiers of Fortune [book one]

Chapter THIRTY SIX

Lucky O'Cléirigh

... one week later ...

I haven't seen or spoken to The Russian since the morning after I had played his pet kitten and we had fought.. Having left things between us on the most sour of notes, I've been repeating the events of that day over and over, trying to make sense of it all..

Konstantin had said we shouldn't see each other anymore and it had devastated me.. How could he be so cruel?

I had attacked him in return in a kneejerk defensive reaction that I now regret.. How could I have been so mean?

Everything got so out of hand so quickly, I never wanted to fight with him, I never meant for everything to spiral out of control and what's worse is that this time I didn't even see it coming..

One minute I had been the happiest I'd ever been and the next second I was at my lowest of lows..

How did we get to this place?

I feel more lonely now than ever before.. It is as if losing that small taste of love has made life all the more bitter..

I have considered calling Konstantin several times now to apologize for my unkindness, but every attempt to pick up the phone has ended with me chickening out and hiding in my work instead..

If I were brave enough to call him, I would tell him that I made a mistake, that I didn't mean what I'd said, that I had been too rash and that I miss him..

I want to tell him that I forgive him for his harsh words and heated temper because I know he is afraid of the hurt just like me.. I'd tell him that I understand how hard it must be for him to hope after all he has lost..

I want The Big Bear to know how sorry I am to have argued with him and how sad I am without his company..

I wish he knew how our kinky game of kitty had made me feel free like living a fantasy, one I could never have dreamed of alone without his guidance.. I want to give him more permission to show me all the ways I could be a good pet to him and to know him as a lover and owner.. I want to understand the fetish and why we had both enjoyed it so much, but mostly I want to know how something so light and playful could feel so deeply intimate..

How is it that he makes me quiver without ever taking my clothes off?

If he can do all that, I can only dream of what it would be like to feel him inside me..

Heaven help me..

I tried to hate him the way he wanted me to, but no matter how cruel he might've been I could never..

I could never hate him, because I love him with all my heart, every fibre of my being and every drop of my blood..

I am helplessly his, whether he wants me or not..