Fated Destiny Book Three

Chapter Forty Two: Reflection

I was roused from my slumber by the sound of approaching footsteps, my eyes slowly opening to reveal only darkness. Where am I and what is this place? What's going on? I can't make out anything, it's like I'm in a vast void. Have I been enveloped by the darkness? Panicking as these thoughts raced through my mind wondering what was happening right now. I made an attempt to stand but the weight of my legs and arms were too heavy to move. Unable to move my body, I tried to call out for help, but nothing escaped my lips. There was nothing, no audible sounds, no cries for help, instead white static filled both my ears. It's... It's like I'm a prisoner within my own body right now.

This feeling of not knowing where I was and what was going on right now was tearing away at me and I could hardly bear it for much longer. I felt a pounding in my chest as my heart beated rapidly like it might burst out of my chest at any moment. There was no sense of warmth here, only this cold lingering feeling running up my lower body. At this point my entire body was trembling and a cold sweat ran down my brow as I worried about what lurked in the looming darkness. I couldn't even think straight anymore with a searing headache coming on, my head now pounding so hard I was on the verge of passing out if this carried on much longer. Even breathing had become difficult as my lungs felt void of air as were my surroundings of light. My vision had blurred to a point where any attempts to focus were for naught and my mind was scrambling for any lucid thoughts with the last remaining shreds of my sanity. But at this point I felt there was nothing to do except prepare myself to be swallowed whole...

Before the darkness could consume me there was a bright flash that ushered in the light and expunged the dark. Initially I winced from the ensuing blindness, so I had no idea what was the cause of this. My hope however was that God had answered my silent prayers and come to me in my time of need, but I've been told hope is a fickle thing.

Instead of salvation I found a group of men standing in a doorway, many of whom were men of the cloth. Most of them eying me with scorn or disdain while others simply apathetic about being here. The room now illuminated allowed me to take a look at my surroundings and found myself in a small jail. It all came rushing back to me now. I found myself back in that godforsaken tower of the Castle of Rouen where I was imprisoned during my trials, it was here that I stayed many months until that fateful day of my execution. My jailers did not afford me any light during my stay here so I spent the majority of my time here in the dark when not being questioned. I found my arms and legs shackled to a wooden block by my bedside unable to move due to my prior attempts at escape of which I would never be afforded another chance.

Of the group several men would step forward to approach me whilst the others remained in the doorway. The new group consisted of mainly bishops while the ones in the doorway were either Doctors or Masters of the Law. The bishops were accompanied by a trio of notaries wielding their quill and paper to record everything that was said. Of the bishops were mostly Frenchmen under the English who were here to question me, in hopes I would be more forthcoming to fellow Frenchman. One of the Bishops being the Reverend Father Abbot of Corneille de Compiegne who. I already knew why they were here, as I had undergone this all before on numerous occasions.

The interrogation started like it always did throughout the entire trial. The Bishops ordered me to swear to speak the truth on the questions addressed to myself on divers and numerous other points. Of which a great number of these points were read and shown to me. They also reminded me these were established in the highest degree of information, proof, and grave presumptions. I prepared to respond in a sarcastic manner as I knew it would make no difference, but when I went to speak, the words that left my mouth were not those I had intended.

"Je vous l'ai déjà dit plusieurs fois, je jure de dire la vérité sur tout ce qui concerne cette affaire, mais rien de plus. (I have already told you several times, I swear to tell the truth about everything concerning this matter, but nothing more.)" The words were not of my own, but at the same time they were. They were the words I had spoken back then on this very day. I really was a prisoner trapped inside my own body forced to relive this horrible ordeal.

The Bishops were persistent that I swear the truth, and I repeated what I had told them each time. That I swore to tell them the truth of things that I know on the case and nothing more. It was at this point when they threatened me with torture if I would not tell the truth. Informing me that the instruments of which were here, in this same tower, beneath my very eyes. They gestured towards the executioners whom were standing by the doorway, who they informed me were, by their orders, had made all the necessary preparations for torturing me in order to bring me back by this means into the way and knowledge of the truth, and thus to procure for my own salvation both body and soul, which I did expose to such grave peril by my own lying inventions.

"En vérité, si vous me déchiriez membre par membre, et sépariez l'âme du corps, je ne vous dirais rien de plus ; et, si je disais autre chose, je déclarerais toujours ensuite que vous me l'avez fait dire par force. (Truly if you were to tear me limb from limb, and separate soul from body, I will tell you nothing more; and, if I were to say anything else, I should always afterwards declare that you made me say it by force.)" I declared boldly. Of course I knew now the Bishops had no intention of torturing me in such a manner, but I had no way of knowing that at the time. "Jeudi dernier, j'ai reçu du réconfort de saint Gabriel ; je crois que c'était saint Gabriel, j'ai su par mes Voix que c'était lui. J'ai demandé conseil à mes Voix si je devais me soumettre à l'Église, car le clergé me pressait beaucoup de me soumettre, et ils m'ont dit : "Si tu veux que Dieu vienne à ton secours, attends-le pour toutes tes actions" (Last Thursday I received comfort from Saint Gabriel; I believe it was Saint Gabriel, I knew by my Voices it was he. I asked counsel of my Voices if I ought to submit to the Church, because the Clergy were pressing me hard to submit, and they said to me: "If you want God to come to your help, wait on Him for all your doings.)" I informed them. "Je sais que Notre-Seigneur a toujours été le Maître de toutes mes actions, et que le diable n'a jamais eu pouvoir sur elles. Je demandai à mes Voix si je devais être brûlée, et mes Voix me répondirent : "Attends Notre-Seigneur, il t'aidera." (I know that Our Lord had always been the Master of all my doings, and that the Devil had never had power over them. I asked my Voices if I should be burned, and my Voices answered me: "Wait on Our Lord, He will help thee.)" I proclaimed knowing in my heart of hearts this to be true.

"Au sujet de la couronne que vous dites avoir été donnée à l'archevêque de Reims, voulez-vous vous en remettre à lui? (On the subject of the crown which you say was given to the Archbishop of Reims, will you defer to him?)" They proceeded to ask me.

"Faites-le venir ici, et je l'entends parler, et alors je vous répondrai. (Make him come here, and I will hear him speak, and then I will answer you)." I replied. "Néanmoins, il n'ose pas dire le contraire de ce que j'ai dit à ce sujet. (Nevertheless, he dare not say the contrary to what I have said thereon.)" I stated.

Upon making these assertions the Judges glared at me for several moments before turning around and conferring amongst themselves in secret. I could not make out any of what was said, but knew they were deciding upon whether or not to put me too physical torture. It would be several minutes before turning back to me to deliver their decision.

"Vous avez de la chance que nous ayons décidé de ne pas vous torturer." These words were the last the man spoke to me before leaving and putting an end to their brief interrogation, but I knew they would return.

The jail door slammed shut behind him and I found myself once more plunged into darkness as whatever light had been granted to me was snuffed out. The man had proclaimed that he would they would not torture me this day, but this is the very worst kind of torture imaginable. For one might expect to find relief after the end of an interrogation, but now all those feelings from before came flooding back as I felt myself suffocating. I would rather face death again than be subject to this for a moment longer! For I knew in death there would be God whom would bring me salvation, but being trapped in what felt like a state of oblivion near drove me to madness!

The entire scene had played out just like it had in the past when I was still alive and only resurfaced now because of this lingering fear of dark spaces. The scorn those men had on their face when they first entered is one I now share if I were to look at myself, not because of the choices I made back then but how I could be so defiant in face of the clergy and all of England, but in truth I was nothing more than a scared young girl afraid of the dark. Many saw me as some sort of Saint or hero of France and friends new and old considered me, but deep down I felt like nothing more than a pathetic peasant girl far from her small village who was unworthy to kneel before God let alone hear his voice. Immense guilt began washing over me now as I began to remember how I had abandoned my comrades over these trivial fears of mine. They must think me a coward over this, a worthless servant who can't even handle the dark and gets easily spooked. Oh god, I don't know how I'll be able to face them if I ever escape this darkness of my own making...