Just Think

Chapter 1: Alone

A room full of people and i still feel all alone. It's sad really, but only because I'm use to it. With one ear bud in, i listen closely to the conversations around me giving my silent opinion. Normally my opinion is some sort of sarcastic or rude remark. I wish only to blend in with the wall and be left alone. Honestly, this is a side effect of the pain.

I never understood how people in the same room as you can't seem to look at you, or hear you. Actually they do, they look at you, the thing is they don't see you. They're looking right threw you, like your just an object. Same with hearing, they hear you but they're not listening, no one listens.

So long, so long I've been asking for help. For someone to save me from the darkness as it pulls me down more and more, like it's feeding itself. Do you know what that's like? It's like your choking on air, gasping and trying so hard but failing. Do you understand how bad that hurts?

Even my parents didn't care at first. No my mom cared, but it seemed like my dad didn't. The one man in my life that's not supposed to hurt me, he did. I geuss i should tell you what i mean. The first time they found out about my cutting. My mom was trying her hardest to help me, she just wanted it to stop. My dad, he did nothing but fight against my mom. At least thats what it felt like.

"Do you think you need counseling?"

"I don't know dad! It doesn't matter what i think your just gonna do what you want anyway!"

"Ok"

Needless to say i didn't get counseling till the second time they found out. (That was my aunts doing.) I should have been more careful. If i just kept my sleeves up then i would have been fine. She wasn't suppose to see, no one was. Little did I know my aunt was watching so closely. I geuss in a way I'm kind of happy she found out. I got the help i needed. Now that doesn't mean it was all rainbows and butterflies, I'm still walking threw my hell fighting myself, my mind.

Just because you get "help" doesn't mean it's very helpful. It's funny seeing how many people really care. It could be one, or ten, or more then that really. The thing is it only takes one person. One person to change your life and make you see that someone really does care. That you're not just a fuck up, that you really matter. What do you do till you find that one person though?

****

I should tell you a little about me. My name really isn't important but you can call me Nikki just because I happen to really like that name. I live with my dad, more like stay if you ask me. My mom left him about a year ago, she's been doing okay. My mom and I are close I trust her with almost everything. Since she left she's been a much better mom. As far as my dad, I just wish he would leave me alone. Don't get me wrong we have some good times but for the most part we fight. Let me tell you about one of my many bad nights and how my dad acted.

I sat there in tears. They wouldn't stop coming, my breathing uneven and hysterical. My mom on her way, my dad clueless. Imagine:

Your family slowly but surely falling to pieces. There's nothing you can do but watch and stand by. They all say "i know it's hard but it well get better," "i know how you feel and I'm here for you." Bullshit is all you can think. Why, because they dont know, they never knew! You just want to go away to start over but you can't you're stuck right in the middle. They see that you hurt but they dont know how much it still gets to you, how their words are like needles pushing into your skin. It just hurt all of it hurts and it feels like there is nothing you can do about. You feel like you have to suck it up and deal with it.

You know I should really tell you the whole story, you're kind of in the middle of my hellish world. Let's start again shall we.