Just Think

Chapter 4: Why not

Can you hear it? It's there in the silence, waiting. Mocking you, filling your mind with darkness telling you your nothing.

Do you believe it? I did.

So long I've been locked away in what I thought was a safe place. Away from the world from those who would harm me, rob me of happiness. Sheltering me from their words and harsh hands. My safe place, the one place I had all to myself, my mind. That's right, the only place that was just mine, simply mine. I didn't know how much it would hurt after I was locked away. It was so long being traped in a box, one I can't get out of. I thought, I could survive come out unharmed. I didn't know, how could I have known? It, it was a lie all of it was a lie. My safe place was a secret hell the type that burns you slowly leaving you twisted. So confused and hurt I longed for the pain just so that I could feel something.

The marks on my skin, that's what it does. It made me feel weak and worthless, chewed me up just to hate the taste. It made me into the threat, twisted my mind so I loved pain desensitizing me. It's strange because really it made me hurt every chance it got. It's like it wants to see me in pain, but I didn't know why.

Do you ever feel like the whole world is against you. Everyone else hurts me, so why not hurt myself? My mind, my "safe" place, it didn't understand the pain it felt, it wants to see the pain it feels. So that's were the scars come in. I was hurt but I didn't know why so I give myself a reason. I told myself it will help, that soon I would feel better. Then, take a sharp object and I run it across my skin and feel my body relax.

That's how I felt how I still feel. It's like I can't catch a break, I try to be strong I try not to let it show just keep it in and it will go away. Then it's it all hits and i feel everything all at once. Memories come back, unspoken words spill out and I watch as they fall to the ground never to be picked up, never to be looked at again. So I give up and I try to hold it in, in hopes it will just go away.

The thing is even if I did say these words to someone it be just the same as talking to a wall, but why? The things I have to say can really only be said to one person, my father. That's why it's like talking to a wall. He alone is the best explain of hearing and not listening. The funny thing is he wants me to open up to him talk to him, uhm no. I've always been better at talking to my mom, she understands better. When it comes to my father, why should i?

Honestly I'm done caring, I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to fight, I don't wanna waste my time being mad or upset. That's what got me here to this point. Holding back, faking a smile, that's done nothing but create a shell around me. I don't know how to get out! The thing is I dont want to just get out of the shell, want to run and leave it behind. I want to go were no one knows me, just show up so ewhere and start over and be myself or at least figure out who I am.

The problem.... Even hell can feel like home once you've settled in.