Just Think

.Chapter 3: Trigger

Sometimes it was nice to talk, to let things out. To bad i wouldn't talk to anyone about what was wrong. Honestly, i wasn't sure what was wrong i couldn't tell you even if it smack me in the face. I just wish i knew, really i still don't know it was like nothing felt right but it seems like nothing is wrong.

Some days or mainly nights were worse then others. One night I could force away the pain and all would be well again, then others I felt it all and all I could do was cry. One thing I always say is that it only takes one thing to change your life, one person, one lie, one mistake. So, for me it was one night, one night of tears and pain. The night I first cut, imagine:

Have you ever been kissed? Not just any kiss, a kiss with lips of silver that leaves a mark of red. Something so sweet yet so deadly. As the lips of sliver meet your sweet skin, as your tears stop running and your blood starts, all is well. The feeling so loving as your body begs for more. So, you do as your told, letting the deadly kisses take care of you. Your mental wounds slowly slipping as your physical ones grow larger and deeper. The look of red running down your skin, a numbness taking over as your body relaxes. Drifting in and out of consciousness unsure if it's the loss of blood or lack of sleep. Finally you give in laying there hoping you wont wake up but you know your body will in time heal the marks.

Then, the morning comes. You wake up alone and sore, wishing to roll over and never leave. You look down and for a moment you're scared. Your arm covered in red, weather it's dried blood staining your skin or cuts just beginning to heal. Just more cuts and scars you need to hide.

I know its sounds horrible to some, yet others know the feeling all to well. I'm sorry to say but there is some truth to my words. Those of you who know exactly what I'm talking about, am I right? Do I know at least a little of the pain you go through? Yes, I am talking to you. The one reading this, creepy right. I know, I've known, how it keeps you up late how you just can't stop how it all goes blurry. I know that your thinking about it now. I'm sorry I'll stop I don't wanna scare you, well not to much anyway.

In all honesty the first time I cut wasn't that, bloody in fact I did it wrong just like anything else I do. I used a broken shrap plastic piece and just pushed against my skin, didn't do much besides scratch me really. Honestly it calmed me, until I realized I broke a promise. I promised her I wouldn't, that I wouldn't harm myself, yet I failed. I failed her and myself, I always fail I always do things wrong. I get nothing right and that hurts. It hurts knowing that you can't get it right and even when u do someone comes along and says that one word, wrong!

I remember why I did, why I made that first cut. I was tired, so tired of crying of being hurt. I told my mom that I wanted to feel something, something other then tears and pain. Clearly it brought me more pain, considering I cried myself to sleep seeing that I broke my promise. To be honest I believe I deserved the pain and really I still do.