There, Somewhere

Chapter XII

I am being insensitive. I know that. Or did I know really?

Because I wasn't able to realize the extent of it not until yesterday. How it affected the people around me, most particularly Ate Chel.

I've been told by Kuya Caloy multiple times about it but I did not even dare to listen. I didn't even think about the repercussions of how I acted because I let myself devoured by it again. And I hate that I am willing to ignore the implications of it because I'm that desperate enough to forget it.

And I even hate myself because I was fine being defeated by my... frustrations? Partially, probably. Because that frustration is directed to myself for being too reckless. Frustrations from the fact that I can't overbear my own problem. Frustrations that I could not help myself but be actually defeated by it. Frustrations that I always thought that embarrassments are a helpless case. Frustrations that from all the emotions there are, humiliation is one that I struggle to maneuver. Frustrations that all the solution I think applicable was to immure it. Bury it. Forget it. That's why I tend to drown myself with a pile of work to make it easy. Because that's how it is supposed to be dealt. Or so I thought?

It wasn't truly the frustration.

Adhara was wrong. It was just the face of it.

"You know why don't you face the problem instead of burying it down?"

"If you can't be blind to it, why don't you try to turn your ears be deaf of it instead?"

"Try to look at it and face it. Burying it down doesn't always result in it being consigned to oblivion. You know... It might even spring up."

But not entirely.

I sniffed.

Tomorrow. I will face everything tomorrow. I thought.

I let the tears flow from my eyes as I cried even more just waiting for the slumber to take over.

•••••

"Anong sabi ni Mommy, Kuya?" I asked for the second time today.

"Wala pang reply. Siguro ay busy pa sa trabaho." How I wish.

"O baka nasa byahe na siya pauwi." Napalingon kaming dalawa ni Kuya Caloy kay Mang Jun.

"Joke lang." Agad na bawi niya bago pa may makapagsalita sa amin. He shook his head and stifled a chuckle.

I sighed and silently prayed na sana hindi ngayon ang uwi niya.

I have decided that I will visit Ate Chel today; a surprise. I didn't tell her about it at tanging si Kuya Caloy lang ang sinabihan ko. To be honest I was a little hesitant to do this but I thought of Ate Chel. I don't want to prolong her worries.

"Eh alam ba ng ni Manang na bibisita ka ngayon?" Tanong ni Mang Jun sa akin while I anxiously stood beside him, waiting for my Mommy's reply to him.

"Hindi pa po."

Mommy just sent a message to me earlier this morning informing she'll be home either today or tomorrow. I didn't want to arouse suspicion from her that's why I asked Kuya Caloy instead to confirm it if matutuloy siyang uuwi ngayon.

But I just hope na bukas nalang. This is the only day I can visit Ate Chel because for the next weekends, we'll be busy with the theater play. It just happened that today is holiday. Wala pang go signal galing kay Gavi dahil hindi pa tapos iyong script. And this day is supposed to be dedicated to that task. Pero tinapos ko na iyon kahapon pag-uwi ko so that I can proceed with my plan.