AJR short stories

Serenity Found ☀️

I joined the AJR fandom around 2 or 3 months after Gary passed away. At first I just felt sorry for the boys, then I started to really feel the grief they felt. I felt like a part of me that had never been there was ripped away. Like I missed an incredible opportunity. And I felt a little guilty. I felt bad that I hadn't joined before he passed away, so that I had more chances. And now it's been a year. Time really does fly. So...this is for you, Gary.

At this point, Ryan wasn't sure how long he had been sitting still for.

He had his laptop and several pieces of paper in front of him on the coffee table that sat in front of the couch. So many words written down, with nothing that was coherent enough to understand.

To feel.

He had started writing on the laptop, but found himself unable to really keep a grip on what he was writing. He figured it would be better on paper, to retain the words more. But paper was no better. So he was just left with a messy coffee table and faded writing on wrinkled paper.

He felt himself slipping deeper and deeper into his thoughts, unwanted words floating to the front of his mind. Failure. Disappointment. Alone. No more music.

No more AJR.

Ryan sat up straight with frustration at that, grabbing his glasses to roughly drop them on the couch. He rubbed his face as he felt a headache coming on.

I can't write music for fans. I can't even write music for myself. If I can't write music for myself without Dad, how am I supposed to write any music?

All three of them had taken losing their father hard, but Ryan had taken it the hardest among his brothers. They had been so close. The moment he learned he wouldn't be alive much longer, he knew he wouldn't be writing any more songs for a while.

But he still had to. He had millions of people depending on him. It just...it didn't feel right. Not without Gary.

Our fans are gonna want more music as soon as they can get it. And everyone's relying on me to deliver. But I just can't. I just fucking can't.

Tears pricked at his eyes, and he was glad he was alone right now. He had been crying so much lately, he didn't need people seeing him crying yet again and getting bored of it. He slammed his laptop shut and started folding the papers, keeping them in case he got inspiration later.

But finding inspiration felt impossible, now or ever.

He got up and grabbed his things. He walked into his room and put everything away. Maybe I'll have more motivation later. Sitting down on his bed, he rubbed his eyes to try and keep himself from breaking down. Thinking about it now, there had hardly been a single moment since Gary passed that he had really felt at peace with anything. His thoughts were always racing, his anxiety peaked. He couldn't sit still, he just couldn't stop thinking about him.

He felt like he'd never find his serenity again. It used to always be so easy. But now...nothing felt right without Gary.

"Dammit..." Ryan found himself speaking aloud. "Dammit, Dad! You said you'd always be here with me!" He covered his face with his hands. "Dammit..."

I just want my Dad...I just want Dad...

Just then he heard the door to the apartment open, and he remembered that Adam was coming over with Jack to work on some music and discuss things about the upcoming tour. Shit.

Ryan rubbed his face and took a deep breath to try and calm himself down. Don't let them see you like this, come on. They're depending on you.

"Ryan? We're back!" Jack called from the other room, Ryan could hear him setting his things down. "Ry?"