Bits of Life

XIII. The Subtle Art of Disconnecting

Several times I have seen social media, especially on Facebook, posts which say "I'm unfriending inactive people, if you can see this post then we're still friends."

Should this kind of posts not matter because you have still been left as a "friend", or should you be bothered because you might be the next dead wood who needs amputating?

What if today you realized and found out that someone you were once inseparable from before, someone whom you meandered the river of life with, unfriended you from social media without you knowing? Will it not matter because "it's just Facebook, anyway" or will you feel like a fire ant is going to burn in your undies? Will you simply let it pass or would you feel it's your ultimate social death?

Truth is, you can feel anything you want to feel and you are entitled to it. But answer one more question: Would it be better to let it pass and move on with your "offline life" or will you succumb to being miserable overthinking what made the person choose to disconnect from you online?

Today's line between social media and real life has become blurry because we spend most of our time on the digital web. This has made being unfriended become a very real sense of rejection because more often than not we are at a loss for an opportunity for closure, thus making us question our social worth.

But come to think about it, if the other person is not telling you their problem why they are no longer talking to you - disconnected from you, then it's their problem and not yours. Always remember that our social media community is not really our real social circle. But also think before you pull that unfriend trigger just because you don't like your friends posts, you hit that ax and cut off your branch. Yes it is your right to protect your peace, but reserve that if what you do online is something you can actually do in real life. Unfriend someone from social media only if you are ready to unfriend that someone from your life. Pulling the unfriend trigger only as a reaction to when someone posts something you don't like may actually start a bigger issue than it was worth.

One option you can choose is to "unfollow". I unfollow people whose morals do not align with their social media posts. I unfollow people whose values do not align with mine. But as long as I do not want to unfriend them in real life yet, I don't unfriend them on social media especially if I don't have plans to tell them why. We cannot see other people's faces or hear their emotions, so most of the time being unfriended is left open for our own interpretations - and trust me we're often interpreting things in a negative way than perhaps they were intended.

However, if I am already unfriended, I respect that. If that move gave those persons who unfriended me their peace of mind, I support that. When I get unfriended, at first, I feel like being cut off from an aspect of a person regardless of the context that it happens in, but I have come to learn that social media 'friendship' should not replace other in-depth and authentic ways of experiencing friendships like over-a-cup-of-coffee conversations, sports, and other friendly "face-to-face" socializations. Some of my students unfriended me after every school year and if that gives them more privacy to their lives they don't want me to have access to, I give them the courtesy of not adding them back. My former work colleagues unfriended me when we separated ways and if they choose to move on without me in their professional lives, then I hold their personal decisions with high regards. If someone unfollows me and is still friends with me then I leave it as it is if this move gives the other person tranquility on their end.

But I would never confront someone why I am being unfollowed, or unfriended, or even blocked off social media (unless you owe me money then I'll use it as an act of bad faith on your end). Again, if you cannot confront me why I am your problem, then it only remains as your problem and never mine. Unfriend me if you like, if that gives you the quietude you need from me, but don't add me as a friend back. This is the thing with me, if you remove me from social media, don't expect to add me back because in reality, being unfriended somehow holds emotional consequences. If you remove me from your social media, you better make sure it is what you really want to do and not just a temper tantrum. If you don't want people on your social media because they don't make you feel happy, I also don't allow people a place in my digital life where they can make me feel bad. There are enough things to worry about in life that having someone add you back from an unexplained unfriending and has left again. If you want to protect your peace, I also certainly want to protect mine. - Meizun