Bits of Life

XI. We Are Our Clothes, Are We Not?

While speaking to a friend, he shared how his ex-partner had tried to change him by the way he looks. This friend, let's call him Henry, is a work colleague. Ever since I got to know Henry, I knew a man who power-dresses himself - usually long-sleeved collared tops, nice trousers, and with a pair of leather shoes, clean shaved face, and perfectly combed hair. This is Henry Mondays to Fridays. No exemptions. Until he dated somebody who tried to change him by his means of clothing.

Henry did as he was told and tried something new, something out of his ordinary. One day, he came to work in a plain shirt, loose pants and a pair of sneakers. Not that these are not allowed, but compared to how Henry was before, this is no longer him.

With his sense of presenting himself dressed up everywhere he goes, even though he is an openly gay person, Henry gets to be called "sir" by everybody - colleagues, security guards, tricycle drivers. Traditionally, "Sir" is used for men who are knights and belong to certain orders of chivalry. In a third world country like the Philippines, to be addressed as such equals respect. Regardless if one demands to be called a sir or not, when people who do not know you address you as Sir (or ma'am for women), it somehow implies that you have been regarded highly.

However, when Henry changed his clothing style as demanded by his partner, he sensed a change of treatment towards him by people he did not know. He was asked to dress himself comfortably but somehow people who didn't even know him became too comfortable in addressing him with disrespect. The random tricycle drivers offering him rented rides who once calls him sir are now calling him in a term equivalent to the word faggot.

So the question arises, why do we get less respect when we dress comfortably, as opposed to when we wear a suit? What constitutes a respectable appearance?

If we come down to the fact of an evolutionary trait shared across most of the mammals (and humans), we will not be able to deny that we perceive and act upon what we see first - yes, WE. You, me, and the rest of the world with the exemption of surely only a few. Most of the animals rely on the sense of sight to gauge and perceive threats and act based on that. Male peacocks are known to show off their beautiful feathers to attract a hen. Grizzly bears are known to stand on their hind legs to portray their size and strength.

When I first see somebody I do not know from 5 to 10 meters away, I would have no idea about the person's nature or character or personality. But, honestly, my mind would start creating first impressions by the visuals present in front of me. You might be a celebrity or a star, a doctor or a lawyer, a rich businessman or even an heir, but if I notice you dressed as a bum, even if I tried to, I wouldn't be able to help forming a bias against you. At the same time, you might be a scammer or peasant, a no one, or a killer on the loose, dressed in a nice suit, and I might still end up doing business with you.

This is something that is totally beyond our control. We might be well respected and accepted by the people we know and walk around them in shorts and tee. But society demands that we dress smart for them to accept and respect us.

When I was teaching in a college a few years ago, I lived within the school dormitory for teachers. From 7AM to 5PM, colleagues and students alike would see me properly dressed up - mostly on a suit and tie. But the moment I entered the dormitory, I would put on my comfortable clothes to rest. But even after office hours, if I have to come out of the dorm and be somewhere else, even just to buy groceries, I cannot simply be in my house clothing because I have a reputation to maintain because if I would like to work, live and be respected in the society, I have to act and dress for it.

Probably, a lot of people will encourage you to wear clothing that is more "appropriate" in a given situation. You actually don't "have to." It's a choice. It's up to you, 100%. But our choices will have consequences, whether it's our clothing, our manners, or our message T-shirts, even our tattoos.

Our choices all carry a message about what we think of ourselves and other people, and they are up to us, and we are free to do what we want, and to generate the consequences we get.

You can go to an interview in your rugged but comfortable clothing with all your wit and impressive resume but ultimately get rejected, it's up to you.

You can bring a stunning business proposal and present it to the company's board of directors in your comfortable t-shirt and jeans and eventually get rejected, it's up to you.

You bring your cold cash to check on the latest car on display in a showroom while in your comfortable slippers, shorts, and sando, and don't get entertained or given all the attention for your inquiries, it's up to you.

What I'm saying is, we may not always be the clothes we wear, but we also have to think of all the times it is fine to dress in comfortable clothing, a place where we are not judged by the world outside - because sadly, the world is very judgmental. Remember the ugly duckling story? Similarly, we get bitten, pushed about, and made fun of, pursued and scorned, until we turn ourselves into swans.