DINNER & DIATRIBES. . . JACKSON AVERY!

chapter twenty-three: disarm

trigger warnings:

school shooting,

references to gun violence/previous shootings

The thing about anger issues is that they never truly go away.

For as far back as Briar can remember, she's been angry. She was always angry as a child, at home and at school and everywhere she went. Other kids used to make a game out of riling her up, knowing that she would be the one to get in trouble when she broke and screamed at them. She thought she knew the feeling well, up until the day her stepfather hit Sebastian and she discovered new levels to her anger.

That day, she learned what it meant to see red: she's not sure she could've thrown a grown man through a coffee table with any other emotion.

Briar wants to think that she's above the anger. She's years removed from her childhood, and all the trauma that came with it. She's worked through all of that, as much as anyone really can. And yet, she knows as soon as she wakes up that it's going to be a bad day.

She barely gets any sleep, and wakes up so full of anger that she has no choice but to leave the house hours early in hopes of pushing the feeling down. She goes to her favorite gym, a women's only facility, and practices kickboxing. Jay Halstead taught her back in Chicago, and it always makes her feel powerful. When her alarm goes off a few hours later, her rage feels more manageable, and she takes it as a win.

In the shower room, she finds herself staring at herself in the mirror. She's coated in layers of sweat, her hair is curling around her neck due to the moisture and she's bright red, but none of that is what captured her attention. Whenever she feels this much anger, she feels transported back into her teenage self, but she's staring at a woman in the mirror. She has smile lines and forehead wrinkles and her hair is the slightest bit longer than it used to be, and so much healthier than it ever was when she was living in such a stressful environment.

She's visibly older, and it hits her then just how much her life has changed–how much she's changed with it.

She's nearly late to work.

✦

"There are fifteen ambulances on the way, maybe more to come. First one is three minutes out." Owen tells them all, pacing in front of them in the ambulance bay. Briar nods, trying to block out the sounds of April and Lexie sniffling from either side of her. They've both been crying since they all saw the news about the shooting at Pacific College.

Briar feels nothing.

She feels like she should say something to her girls, try to calm them down, but when she opens her mouth nothing comes out. Thankfully, Webber takes charge.

"People . . . people. Our own trauma is fresh, and we are going to have feelings today, and there is no shame in that. What I want to say is, what we went through six months ago, they are going through right now, which makes them our brothers and sisters . . . which makes them fellow travelers, which makes them our own."

As he speaks, the sound of sirens grows closer, and Briar readies herself.

"So to the very best of our ability, we are gonna do our work first and you're gonna have your feelings later."

Lexie sniffles again, her hand coming up to rub her face, and Owen turns to look at her.

"Grey?"

"I'm fine." She says, sniffling once more before repeating herself. "I'm fine."