1971 (Harry Potter What If Series Book One)

10

“What’d you want to talk about?”Sirius asked James even though he knew the answer. 

“I wanted to at least give you an update. My parents couldn’t even get you to stay for holidays or weekends. They weren’t that lucky. The ministry said that you weren’t old enough to leave so they couldn’t force your parents to give you up.”

Sirius stayed silent, staring at the floor as he walked. James sheepishly slid his hands into the pockets of his uniform slacks. 

“Sixteen… they told me you had to be sixteen.”James said. 

“Five more years of nearly being killed? Great.”Sirius deadpanned.

“Sirius, c’mon. Please. It’ll be okay. You’re safe at school.”

“Yeah, five days a week. The other two are dangerous regardless. I’m sorry for being short with you, James, but it’s my life they’re risking by choosing to just say no like that.”

James grabbed his friend by his wrist, stopping them both from walking. “Sirius, I’m sorry, I tried. I tried everything I could. I’m so sorry.”

“James, stop it. I don’t care. I’ve lived with it this long. I’ll just fucking get used to it.”

James shook his head. “No. We’ll figure something out, I swear.”

Sirius glared up at the caramel-skinned boy. “And how do you fucking propose we do that? I’ve spent ten fucking years like this. I’m used to it. They’re never going to let me out of there. I’ll just have to get used to it, won’t I? To disappointment, at least-” 

James covered Sirius’ mouth with one hand. “Sirius stoppit, please.”

Sirius just silently stared at James, not used to non-violent physical contact, in an odd way, Sirius didn’t want the other boy to stop. James, Remus and Peter seemed to be the only ones who had bothered to treat him like a person, much less like family or a friend. Madame Pomfrey and the other professors did the same, of course, but not for the same reasons. 

“Do you think I lied when I said I would help?”James asked, breaking the silence after a few minutes and letting go of Sirius’ mouth. 

“No.”Sirius mumbled quietly.”I think you’re in over your head.” 

James replied but Sirius could hardly pay attention. His mind was too far from the conversation to be able to. 

Sirius knew the weight of this conversation and swore he should be paying attention. He watched James’ lips move with the same thoughts he’d been having about Remus the whole year. These went deeper than just the physical attraction to his best friend, however. These seemed…. More intense somehow. 

Once James finally dismissed Sirius from the conversation, Sirius practically sprinted down the hallway. James followed of course, like he had all year and the two stopped in an empty classroom. 

“Sirius, what is it?”James asked. 

“I kissed Remus.”Sirius confessed.

“Well finally-”

“No. You don’t understand. I kissed Remus then while you were talking, all I could think about was kissing you. It’s confusing and horrible and… I don’t know why it won’t stop.”

“You have a lot going on, maybe you’re just trying to distract yourself.”James offered. 

“No. I don’t think I am. Because I would never do that. I wouldn’t just kiss someone to ignore other things. That isn’t who I am.”