Opened and Closed

i remember

Inspired by I think Kori Jane on tiktok, I wrote this quite a while ago so I don't remember sorry :(

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I remember when I was 5

Playing families in the playground

Being the mother every time made me want to grow up

Have kids and a full time job

I thought I couldn't wait to even be ten

That would be double my age, all the fingers on both my hands to count

I remember when I was ten

I still played pretend in my head

But no one else did so I decided I should stop

I killed my imagination just to fit it

I think I regret that now

I remember wishing to be older, to be 12

I would be so close to a teenager and that sounded so exciting

I remember being 12

Wishing to be older yet again

Running around the playground with the boys because most of the girls didn't  do that anymore

Chasing them without being left behind

The thrill of being the fastest was always short lived

Because the lunch bell would ring and we would all go inside

I went back to being a girl, a girl who was sad inside

A girl who didn't want to go to school

Because the other kids made fun of her

For things she could not control

Her name and her face, how she ran around with the boys instead of sitting with the girls

I was never the stereotypical girly girl, I always wished to be something else

I wished to be older, to be 14

To be in collage and have a boyfriend

The idea is so romanticised, and at the time it was enthralling

I now am 14

And I hate being here

My house isn't a home and my school isn't fun

The jump from playing dress up and families at lunch all to quick

I miss being 5

Playing pretend in the playground with the other kids

I wish I didn't have to fit in

I wish I didn't feel so abnormal

I miss being 10

I wish I hadn't stopped playing pretend

I wish my imagination was alive, vivid enough to get me out of where I am now

I miss being 12

I wish I had stood up to the bullies

I wish I had been that little bit brighter and enjoyed my short childhood years

I don't like being 14

I think I grew up too fast

People say I'm "mature for my age"

But they see to forget I'm still a child

People say that wishing for things you cannot control is a waste of time

Yet I find myself staring at a wall and wishing

For the feeling of happiness from making fairy houses in the school playground

The feeling of adrenaline from catching those boys in tag

But thats all gone now and I have to be grown up

Cleaning up after myself and answering from my mistakes

I'm not a kid anymore

As much as I wish I was

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5:05