Bring Me Back

Chapter 4

June 3rd

Yesterday sucked balls! It was one of the worst days ever! I am so done with boys or people who don't care about me for that matter. I hate my life and just want to run away. Ugh! This journal is  as stupid as me writing in it!

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This morning when I got home there was no one waiting for me. Funny that I thought my own mother would be worried about me and wait up all night to just make sure I was alright.

I went in the kitchen and grabbed a big glass of water. I don't know why but after late night partying water tasted like it came from the garden of Eden. I wiped my mouth and went upstairs to my room. I had to drag my feet up. They were so sore from dancing in those stupid high heels. I fell in my bed and put my palms on my eyes. I just wanted to forget everything that happened. And then the most peculiar thing happened, I fell asleep and I didn't dream of anything. I was fast asleep. It wiped my troubles away for a while.

Of course, this sweet moment was ruined when someone banged on my door. My mother barged in and didn't even bother to knock.

"You know I was sleeping," I said to her and closed my eyes. I put the blanket over my head and hoped that she would be gone soon.

"Bish, bosh I don't really care what you were doing. Can you just give me you red dress you were wearing to the dinner party last week? I am going out with Clare for few cocktails and need to look good." She said in her usual chipper voice. I could hear her rummaging through my closet. God, sometimes I wished that I was adopted!

"Just take it and leave me alone," I said to hear in a cold tone. "It's on the chair by the desk." I snuggled in my blanket and tried to fall back asleep. But memories from the last night started to creep up on me.

I could hear her snatch it and leave my room. No thanks, nothing! She said to everyone that she is always worried about me and trying to get me help but never actually stops and asks me how I am doing. Funny! I can't really remember the last time we spoke like normal people. I sighed and sat up. The clock on my bedside table showed that it was four in the afternoon. I guess I could go back to sleep but this time my head was a mess and my thoughts ran wildly. I won't be getting any sleep anytime soon.

I let tears fall freely on my cheeks. There was no point to wipe them off. I was alone with myself and my mind. At a time like this I wished that I could just go cry in my mom's lap and she would rub my back and say that everything will be alright. She would wipe my tears and say that no boy is worth this salty waterfall. But I couldn't do it anymore. A lot has changed since she got married to Frank.

You see, a long time ago I was really close with my mom. Not anymore. I don't know why but I didn't tell her anything and she didn't ask. Sometimes I feel like she doesn't even care. I tell myself that she does, but I don't think that I even believe that anymore.

I can't remember the last time I said I loved her. I don't know if I have ever even said it. I know that she hasn't told me that. At least I don't remember if she has.

And my dad? Well, let's just say that I have never met him. I don't have a memory when my mom told me about my real father, but I just know that he saw me when I was just born and then he just left us. How can you leave your own daughter like that? There was nothing no contact no photos... Nothing. Sometimes I think about how my life would be with him. What would it be like if I was living with him not my mother? It's not like I don't have a dad, I have a stepdad, but I don't see him often. So it's just like living with no dad at all. I want to know how my real father looks like. Is he like me? Do I look like him? I don't want to ask my mother about him because I can't. I don't know how and well, I am afraid of what she might say. Many people have told me that I don't look like my mom or my brother. It doesn't bother me that much anymore, but it's sad. I just want a normal, happy family. I want to eat dinner at the same table and have movie nights where we all are cuddled up on the sofa and eating popcorn. I want to go on road trips and have inside jokes. I want to have good memories of my family, but I don't. I know it's not possible. Somehow I feel it's my fault that we are not close and maybe it is. Everything is my fault. That's what my mother is saying to me all the time. That I am the reason dad left her. Sometimes I believe that. Everything is so fucked up in my life. I wreck any chance at happiness that I have.