The Stowaway (Andy Biersack)

Chapter 48: Accept It and Don't Self-Sabotage

Dear diary, I can proudly say that I didn't even cry once in October. Dr. Whitman was kind of worried about that when I told her the news on our last session before I went to Europe. Her first thought was that I was trying to bury my emotions instead of dealing with my problems. To which I replied that maybe she was just really superb at helping people. She gave me a weird look when I said that, and then she proceeded to explain that two months and a half in therapy wasn't enough to deal with one's trauma. I knew that. And I knew that I wasn't magically fine. I would continue seeing her after November, but I was still happy with the progress I'd made. I now talk to my brothers and my father twice a week. I am able to talk about my mom without shutting down. And I haven't had any nightmares or panic attacks. In a month. I think that's great news. I'll admit that this is the first time I've gone back to my diary in a month but that's just because I've been busy living life. I talk to Diane every other day. Andy and I are amazing. The world doesn't hate our relationship. Sure, someone does write a rude comment here and there, but they are by far outnumbered by the positive ones. Not that it matters, but it is nice to read people's supportive messages. We've posted more photos of us together, obviously. I have gained a hefty number of new followers, but it's weird. I guess that's what happens when you date a famous person. I mean, the same thing happened to Gabrielle when she and Andy announced their engagement. He did have a small freak out when I told him that I now had like 10,000 followers. He got scared that history would repeat itself. But we got through it together. I'm really not the kind of person who would enjoy the spotlight. Nor would I just take advantage of his fame to get ahead in my career. I mean, my dream job has nothing to do with fame. At least not the same kind that he has. I wouldn't mind being famous in the world of academia, but that's something that only I can control by writing kick-ass papers. But other than that little snag, everything has been great. And I've accepted it. I have been trying not to self-sabotage or overthink my happiness.

I've also (and this is really important) realized my favorite version of Andy is the shirtless, sweaty, lawnmowing Andy. The guy who usually mowed Andy's lawn had broken his leg, and my poor boyfriend had to start doing it himself. Not that I minded. At all, in fact, because HOT DAMN. My reaction amused him beyond words, and he promised to mow the lawn at least once a month from then on because he knew it would make me happy. I think it really stroked his ego when I reacted like a fangirl at moments like that. I've made a list of my favorite hot Andy moments. It goes as follows:
1. Lawnmowing Andy
2. Straight out of the shower Andy
3. Reading a book Andy
4. Shirtless with suspenders Andy
5. Just shirtless Andy
6. Andy performing on stage shirtless
7. Andy performing on stage
8. Smiling Andy
9. Scary angry Andy (when the anger is directed at someone else)
10. Tuxedo Andy
11. Casual jeans and T-shirt Andy
12. Babysitter Andy (although maybe this one should be higher up on the list)
13. Nervous or awkward or blushing Andy
14. Andy in general

More things will probably be added to the list as we go along, but for now, it is as it is. Any possible future additions are currently covered by number 14. He saw the list when I made it and scowled at the objectification, but then he proceeded to make his own with the hottest Aurora moments. Number one was naked Aurora, as expected. Men are so predictible.

Anyway, at the very beginning of October, we visited Jonathan and his family in San Francisco. While Andy was still pissed off about their treatment of me back in June, it didn't take long for Jon and him to become friends. And in all honesty, I never thought I needed my partner to be friends with my brothers, but now that I had that, I would not change it for anything in the world. Both Jonathan and Daniel remembered Andy once we told them about our shared past. Oh, speaking of which, while I didn't have nightmares, I did sometimes dream about those moments from 20 years ago, and now, the blonde woman's face wasn't distorted anymore. And the voices weren't muffled. Everything was clear as day, and I loved having those dreams. I talked to Andy about them every time, and he filled me in on the details that were missing from them. Right, back to our visit to San Francisco... Johnny and Andy bonding was great. Ash and Maddie were amazing. Sightseeing in SF? The best. But there was a dark cloud present the entire time, and her name is Suzanne. Yes, she has lost the privilege of being called by her nickname. She was absolutely awful the entire time. She wouldn't let us stay at the house, so we had to rent a hotel room nearby. She was always annoyed when we were around. Her attitude toward Jonathan was nasty as hell. And don't get me started on how she spoke to Ashton. She would just start yelling at him for nothing. She even slapped him once. And he did nothing wrong! It was horrendous. Andy and I took Ashton to the playground for a few hours every day that week because the kid really needed it. At least she treated the baby okay. And she stopped smoking inside. That's also something. I asked Jon about her attitude when the three of us (me, Jon and Andy, NOT Suzanne) went out for a couple of drinks on our last night there, and he said that she's been like that ever since dad and Daniel's visit. He didn't know why. I told him that she wasn't the best company in June either, and he apologized for what happened the last time I was there. I forgave him a long time ago. Anyway, the Suzanne situation was quite alarming, but I couldn't really do anything about it other than offer Jon a shoulder to proverbially cry on. Hopefully, things would change for the better once they moved to Manhattan. Oh, and in more positive news, Andy is now Uncle Andy. To Ashton, at least. We're planning on visiting Manhattan again in early December (we'll be flying straight to New York from London, I think), and hopefully, Henrietta accepts Andy the way Ashton did, too. And I kind of really want him to get along with my dad because, well, I mean, for obvious reasons. If I'm planning on having a good relationship with my dad in the future, it's really important that Andy does, too. He's kind of skeptical about that, though. I get it. My dad has been a dick, as Andy likes to call him. Most of my biggest breakdowns have been because of my dad, and Andy doesn't forgive as easily as I do. But we'll see. Baby steps, you know? I still have this grand vision of the future despite everything: both of our families hanging out, getting along... I want what I never really had. You can't really blame me for that, can you?

What else happened in October? Hmm, we babysat Ringo a couple of times. That was fun. All of us (everyone from the band and their wives) went trick or treating with Ringo on the 31st. It was so silly because it was just one kid and ten adults. People gave us weird looks all evening. We all found it hilarious. The guys went as superheroes (Andy was Batman (big surprise there), CC was Superman, Lonny was Ironman, Jake was Captain America, and Jinxx was Spiderman), I went as a ghost, Ruby went as a vampire, Natalie dressed as a zombie, Alex was a werewolf, and Cory wore a mummy costume. Ringo is currently going through a Paw Patrol phase, so he went as one of the dogs from that. I think the character's name is Rubble, but I'm not sure. Believe it or not, I don't watch Paw Patrol. We went our separate way at 10 PM. It was way past Ringo's bedtime, so Jinxx and Ruby took him home. Being pregnant, Natalie was also really tired by that time, so CC and her left too. The rest of us went to a Halloween party hosted by none other than Ronnie.

Oh, yeah, a really big thing happened in October. I don't know how I almost forgot about that. Ronnie asked Lana to marry him at the party. We were all really surprised because up until two months ago, their relationship was being kept a secret, and now they were getting married. Herein lies the difference between Andy and I. While we both thought the same thing, I knew better than to make those thoughts audible to anyone other than me, myself, and I. Andy, on the other hand, really lacks a little thing called a filter, so he straight up asked Ronnie about it when the three of us were alone. I was sure that Ronnie would be pissed off with him, but to my greatest surprise, he just laughed. Then he explained that he and Lana kept the relationship a secret for such a long time because they wanted their privacy, not because it wasn't serious. And proposing after six months wasn't that far-fetched. He had Andy on that one because that is exactly how long it took Andy to propose to Gabby, which was something he was obviously aware of because all he said was, "Touché." Later that night, both of them got really drunk, and Ronnie made a second proposal; this time asking Andy to be his best man. I'm calling it a proposal because idiot numero uno got on one knee when he popped the best man question, and idiot numero dos started crying and said, "I do." Then Ronnie lifted Andy in the air and spun him around. The nature of their friendship was honestly beyond my comprehension. I think that the applause they received from the crowd was louder than the one Lana and Ronnie received earlier that night. She and I exchanged a couple of looks of disbelief and general embarrassment. She even made a joke or two about being afaraid that Ronnie would end up marrying my boyfriend and not her. I told her that it was probably a real possibility if the two of them didn't slow down with the booze. I think that I might've scared her a bit because she kept bringing Ronnie glasses of water after that, hahaha. I really had fun that evening. Andy was a really affectionate drunk, which was clear from how he and Ronnie kept hugging, but also from how he was toward me, Jake and Lonny. Don't worry, I have everything on camera. I never want to forget those memories. Oh my God, I just remembered. The three of them sang karaoke together. For like an hour straight. And that's not all. Oh my God, Ronnie and Andy sang 'Don't Go Breaking My Heart' together. I almost peed myself, I laughed so hard. It was in-sane. Hahahahah, I still chuckle every time I remember. I missed nights like that when we would all get together and let loose. I mean, I wasn't all that sober either. I shared a couple of very friendly moments with Cory and Alex, too. We also sang karaoke together. We drank way too many shots of almond tequila, and we danced on Ronnie's living room couch at some point, which wasn't necessarily the best idea because Alex fell flat on her ass in the end. She didn't injure herself or anything, but we learned our lesson and continued dancing on solid ground.

All in all, the party was insane. The hangover I had next day was even crazier. And Andrew was fine. He was drunker than all of us put together but he was magically okay in the morning. I still don't know how he does that. Really, I don't. I think it really might be some kind of sorcery. He won't admit it, though. Sigh.

I guess that's mostly it from October. Maybe I'll remember something else later on, but for now this is it. Right now, we're all sitting on an airplane, in First class on our way to Berlin. Their first show on the European leg of the tour is tomorrow. I'm really excited to be working again. The fact that we're flying to Europe also means that we are only three weeks away from London and the show they have with Bring Me the Horizon, hehe. And I just might be more excited about that. :)