21/11/21
I woke up and stretched I really need to be sleeping more. I need more rest because we are going to debut in three months and I can't let them down. I already have the least lines and am basically at the back for every part of the choreography unless its my lines. I slowly got out of bed and was about to put on a shirt when my door opened.
Umji: Perfect timing.
Y/n: What is it noona? Did you need something.
Umji: Well today's our weekly test.
Y/n: O-Oh right...
Umji: Do you not want to this week?
Y/n: N-No it's not that I just forgot.
She came into my room and closed my door behind her. The weekly tests were something we all agreed on to try to help me get over my trauma. It was like a challenge one of the girls would come to me with and we would see if I was comfortable doing it.
Umji: So what we know is that if you are comfortable with someone you can kiss them. You have managed to kiss all three of us without tongue. You have managed loose hugs and a tight hug with SinB. But if its either me or Eunha initiating the hug you are ok with a tight hug then.
Y/n: Y-Yeah.
Umji: So today the three of us thought hard about it. We want to know what happens if any of us tried to reach around the area of you private part. Are you ok with that?
I just nodded my head. Having such a pathetic trauma like this...I really don't know what to do. If they wanted me to I would happily give my body to them but because of this stupid trauma I can't even do the one thing that I know how to do with them. My mind instantly focused and my breath hitched as I quickly grabbed Umjis hand.
Umji: I wasn't even close and you got this worked up? Ok. Y/n lay back down. Take deep breathes and we can try again when you are ready. Tell me as soon as it's uncomfortable for you.
I did as she said and tried to relax to be honest I actually just imagined myself alone on an island where no one can reach me.
Y/n: I'm ready...
Umji: I'll go slow ok? I'll only touch if you don't ask me to stop.
I watched as her hand slowly got closer to me. My heart rate increased and my breathing got quicker but I wanted to fight it until she stopped and pulled me up into a hug.
Umji: Don't force yourself. You are crying Y/n. I told you just tell me when its uncomfortable. Please we don't want you to struggle through this.
I nodded against her shoulder and she let me go.
Umji: Go back to bed for a while and one of us will wake you up to eat.
29/11/21
I was scared this wasn't normal why was I tied up? Where are the girls? What's happening!?
???: Oh my~ what a free toy. I bet you love being used don't you? I bet you-
Eunha: Y/n/n~ wake up~
My eyes shot open. I blinked a few times and looked at her.
Eunha: Its test day.
Y/n: N-Noona...can we skip it this week?
Eunha: Nightmare?
Y/n: Yeah...
Eunha: You have been having more nightmares recently. Are you ok? Is something coming up?
Christmas is coming up...that means she will come for me. I can't tell them she will hurt them...
Y/n: Nothing...
Eunha pouted at me and gently patted my hair.
Eunha: Ok. But you know we have to do a test you agreed to once a week and never to back out.
Y/n: Y-Yeah...
Eunha: It will be an easy test I promise. Y/n kiss me with tongue.
Y/n: What?
Eunha: Well you have only kissed SinB successfully with tongue and I want to.
She smiled gently at me as she sat facing me.
Y/n: Ok...I can do that.
Eunha: I know you can. Push me away whenever you need to.
She instantly closed the space between us and kissed me. I was still mostly relaxed until I felt her tongue try to enter my mouth and pushed her away.
Eunha: Not yet?
Y/n: I can do it...just give me a second...
Eunha: Y/n/n take as long as you need.
I took a deep breath and waited for my heart rate to slow down before I kissed her this time. When I felt her tongue this time I didn't push her away even if I was scared I let her slowly and gently kiss me. My tongue was timid and we both knew that. She broke the kiss after a couple seconds and hugged me.
Eunha: You did it!
I was panting hard. Even something like that felt like a huge step to me.
Eunha: Y/n/n.
Y/n: Y-Yeah noona?
Eunha: I'm so proud of you.
She kissed my cheek before leaving the room and shouting across the dorm what I managed to do.
06/12/21
SinB: Are you sure you don't want to spend Christmas with me? None of us are staying at the dorm over Christmas you will be all alone.
Y/n: I'll be ok noona. I promise that I'll be ok.
SinB: Fine but! This is going to be your last test for a while so I'm sorry but I made it hard.
Y/n: Really?
SinB: Mhm. You tried with Umji before but I want to try today. Not just to touch the area but to take it out and hold it.
It was trial and error for a couple of hours with very minimal progress. By the end of it I just walked out to shower and looked at myself disappointed that I was too scared to even let the person I treasure the most at this point even touch me there. Once I left the shower I went to the sofa where SinB was waiting for me. It became an annoying tradition of whenever I failed a challenge I would end up hugged to whoever it was who tried to make any progress with my trauma.
SinB: Come here already you big baby.
She patted next to her and I sat down and instantly laid against her raised legs. SinB always sat with her knees up to her chest leaning against the sofa arm and her legs became something of a pillow for me when I had failed.
SinB: We will get there one day Y/n. You have made a lot of improvement so far.
Y/n: I haven't...
SinB: You have you can make out with all of us. That's a big step...I'll miss you.
Y/n: I'll miss you too noona.
SinB: Well Y/n if you need anything when we are gone we all agreed that you can message us and we will instantly travel to you. You are in the group with the other three and well. Yuju especially will be willing to come look after you.
Y/n: I know. I wish I can make progress quicker.
SinB: Why's that?
Y/n: Because what if we have a choreographer that tries to correct my positioning and I just break down...
SinB: Then we will comfort you snd tell you its ok. Y/n you aren't near them anymore we will protect you.
