HANNI & HER WAYS || Bbangsaz

Not Planned

Not Planned

I wish I could say that Minji and I stayed together for a number of years and we lived happily ever after, but it didn't exactly go that way. We were both hit in the face by life itself and we were suddenly in a position where we both needed to pick the obvious answer. That obvious answer is something that we both thought was absurd but it had to be done.

Admittedly, it was all of my fault. I hated the fact that I gave up on our relationship in order to grow by myself. I'm still confused if it was just me self-destructing or me having the drive to be independent.

I had accepted an offer from North Carolina State University for a full scholarship, and Minji had accepted an offer from Emily Carr University of Art and Design in Vancouver. We promised each other that we would make long distance work but me being a college athlete and her workload is barging in to our way of spending time together.

It started out fine, and we would call each other everyday, every night, before bed and at random times. We would FaceTime while the other is sleeping and the other one is working on an assignment. She would fly to where I am sometimes to see a few of my games, and she would even play ball with me and my teammates that I became friends with. I would do the same and fly out to Vancouver to see all of her work, and meet her friends who were all a big fan of her art.

Both of us struggled our first year of University where we find it difficult to adjust to a new environment. It took a while for me to finally make friends, so I was alone and I had no one to talk to for a while. It baffles me when I compare my straight A's in high school to my barely passing grades in university. It's almost as if it was irrelevant and all that matters right now is consistent hard work ethic.

I was always tired.

I would wake to an alarm at five thirty in the morning and get ready for our team mandatory workout. After an hour of intense circuit of strenght training, and with all of my muscles sore, I would try to get a few minutes of nap before heading to my first and second class. I usually sneak in food between classes then I would rush to the fitness centre with my teammates for play practice. At that point, I was already pooped out so I usually drink coffee during my afternoon classes. But it doesn't end there. I have hours of homework and readings to do when I get back to my dorm and I don't usually get everything done until it's reaching midnight or later.

I would miss calls from Minji and I would cry about it. I cried a lot because I have to do it all over again.

I didn't want to show Minji that I was struggling, and I pretended that everything was okay. She was doing so well at her school and I didn't want to bring her down when I tell her that I was failing some of my classes. It even got so bad that the dean told me that I might lose my scholarship. At that point I was doubting if I ever wanted to be in university in the first place. My mind is playing tricks while it decided that I have no idea what I'm fucking doing there in the first place.

I finally called my parents and they put some truth in my precious little brain for me.

Of course it would be hard. I need to put work in to it in order to be successful. Being an overachiever is making things even worse for me because of my high expectations. It was harder to reach my dreams when I think about being tied down, and my thoughts went back to the idea of not wanting to lose Minji.

I feel like I was losing my mind.

I didn't know when it happened but somewhere around our second year when both of our workload doubled, our phones stopped ringing. There were countless of nights where we cried in our computer screens while trying to make our relationship work.

"You're just giving up then?" Minji asked, her voice breaking. "Please... We can do this." She begged.

"It's really difficult to keep up." I said not believing the words that were coming out of my mouth. "I don't want us to start hating each other."
Hanni." She sobbed and I had to look away. "I don't care if I get little to no sleep to talk to you, or... Or-"