Finding all the Good Graces

CH. 5:Grief and Loss

I have always seen myself successful, in-love, and happy, genuinely so. In my early twenties I was living in the clouds; in love with an amazing man, and surrounded by friends, people who would do anything for me. So when my life changed for the worst at twenty six, well, I thought that it was simply one of the small bumps life throws at people from time to time.

Yet here I am, twenty seven years, old, I am a single mother, the love of my life is dead, murdered to be precise, and I am having panic attacks, something I believed would never happen to me. At this point I think there is nothing the universe can through my way that I cannot handle.

 But then again having drained my emotional energy, I believe another bump can kill me. I am at the point where I know I am in an abys, and I am truly reluctant to get out because everything is going on normal but I feel stuck. Stuck in a loop of pretend-happiness and total sadness. I smile because I can form a smile, but my heart is empty, in every way possible.

I've been working six hours a day, from which I take several breaks so that I do not lose myself in work. I can tell myself that it's been going well, and it has, I mean the work and all, but I am bored, truly. My sadness turned into panic attacks, and now am in depression. My therapist says it is progress; at least I am feeling all the emotions, but what is next? 

I have always wished to have a child at a point in my life where I can afford to take breaks and still money flows in, and I have that part of my wish, but the cost was just too high.

So when I wake up every morning, I know that the breath in my lungs is a blessing and  am so damn grateful for it, and the fact that I am strong enough to slay my demons for a few more hours is progress. Sometimes it feels as though am going backwards; living totally in reverse, but I remind myself that a step forward is forward, however much it feels like a step back. 

Months and months of my life has been reduced to healing and nurturing both Jack and me. Mercy and Meg are always around in support of every step I take, Monty and Martin call from time to time and I spend a lot of my time out of work hours helping Jack take baby steps. The little man has been growing. He looks a lot like Mick; the color of his eyes, and facial structure.

I have been visiting Mick's grave less and less. At first I felt guilty because I was leaving him behind and going on with my life. I worked my way through the guilt and as I believe, that is progress as well.

I cry more often than normal, mostly during the day and less at night. It is, as my therapist said, my self-healing process. She says it is because I am no longer grieving, but rather slowly coming into terms with the loss.

I may feel angry from time to time, but at least I am healing. That is my self-consolation. I am in no rush, because when I get up, I want to be stronger that anyone I know.

I like sitting by the window. I have taken up the role of a nosy neighbor; nothing happens outside without me noticing. That is my main source of entertainment now. It is a hobby as well. So it goes without saying that I did not fail to see a new neighbor moving in. Sitting by the window, my eyes glued to their moving in and out of their house.

I never knew sitting and doing nothing could feel this good. I would feel guilty in the past, when I stopped to take a break, I didn't know taking a break could feel this good. It's just me and my thoughts, and my next door neighbors. I am so deep in my thoughts that I do not even realize that I have been spotted staring. The man moving in stops and waves my way, so I wave back unenthusiastically.

My days go by so fast, and I keep busy most of the time, sometimes am busy doing nothing, simply watching people through my window. I've been reduced to the nosy neighbor, or I think that is how my neighbors see me. People are very busy outside. My neighbors wake up early, and start their everyday tasks.