I watch you like a hawk _Oli Sykes Fanfiction

Chapter 66

Oli's POV:

"Well I'm not stoned I'm just fucked up

I got so high I can't stand up" _ Before the Lobotomy, Green Day

When she'd left, I'd immediately gotten high. I'd ignored the questions of my bandmates. What had happened? What had I done? What had she done? Why was I not answering? What was wrong? How could they help?

Finally I'd told them – quite snappily too – that they could help by shutting up and leaving me the hell alone. Then I'd indulged in my Kat-free, regret-free and just generally problem-free hallucination. It was nice.

But when I crashed back down, I was attacked by remorse. I despised myself. I loathed how weak I was. I'd fought this addiction for years, and now I was running down the same dark path because of a girl.

A girl who meant everything to me, and who I'd basically told to fuck off.

Was there anything I couldn't mess up?

But I hadn't been able to stand it. Hearing her calling me a friend. When hers and Tom's voice had become louder, I'd opened my door to check up on her. Her words had stung more than I could admit.

No, she wasn't hung up on me. I was just a friend who needed help.

I'd never been able to stand pity, and receiving it from the person I was in love with was just insufferable. However, knowing she was in pain was even more so, so I'd mouthed that asshole off once and for all. Then I'd told her to run after him. In a way, I'd asked her who she chose.

Me, the drug-addict who fucked everything up, or her boyfriend? Her past or her future? Honestly to me it didn't even seem like a choice.

But then she'd hugged me. After everything, she'd hugged me. The feeling of her arms around me, her body against mine, the soft sigh of content that escaped her lips... And then the knowledge that it was just a friendly gesture. It had killed me.

I thought, for a minute, that yes, maybe if she broke up with that fucker, her presence could help me get better. I thought I could strive on an occasional smile. It wasn't like I deserved anything more anyways – on that her boyfriend had been right.

But that hug—no. As it was, I'd found I could never stand to be around her when she just thought of me as a friend. In that case I was better off alone.

Still, as I came down from my drug-induced high, I couldn't help but picture her dark eyes when I'd told her to get out. Wide, bare, beautiful. It'd looked like she actually cared. Like I'd actually hurt her.

And I couldn't stand that feeling. In some part of my mind, I knew what I'd done wasn't okay. I'd mouthed off the person responsible for all this mess, okay, but the only reason I was a mess was because I was in love with her. And telling her to get out of my house was a great way to show it, right.

I didn't know what to do anymore...

Every solution seemed bad. Seeing her would hurt me, but not seeing her was worse.

In the end I just wanted her close. And screw it if it broke my heart over and over again. All of these drugs, all of these pills I was taking, they were just an insufficient replacement for what I really needed: Kat.

Kat was my drug, and I was itching for my next fix.

The journey was a blur. Somehow I'd gotten hold of her foster parents' address, driven the two-hour ride, and now found myself in front of her new home.

I hadn't thought to change before coming here. My hair was as messy and long as ever, there was a five-o'clock shadow on my jaw where I'd forgotten to shave, huge bags under my eyes from the lack of sleep, and my pupils probably still a bit dilated from the drugs.

To put it plainly, I looked like shit.

But I didn't have time to do anything about it before the door to the house opened. I hadn't even considered what I'd do when I saw Kat, and even less if it was someone else who opened for me. As it was, I was greeted with the sight of a furious Dan.

Fuck.

"What. The. Hell. Do you think you're doing here?" He asked, his voice trembling with anger.

"I need to see her," I breathed.

He sneered at me.

"You're not going anywhere near her."

"Please, I just—I just need to see her."

"I don't give a flying fuck about you need! I don't know what you said, but you fucked her up. She'd been fine for a month, and then of course you had to go and fuck everything up. What is your problem? Do you really need to ruin this girl's life?"

"I don't...I don't understand. Just let me see her—"

"Not happening," Dan growled. "Don't you think you've done enough damage already? You're staying away from her from now on. I'll see to it."

"Please!" I was almost begging at this point, my eyes frantic.

She wasn't okay? What was going on? Was it my fault? God, I hated myself! I needed to help her! Was she going to be okay?

"Fuck. Off."

The door sprang shut, and I felt a tear run down my cheek. Yes. All I ever did was ruin people's lives, and Kat's in priority. It was selfish of me to want to see her.

I left. This way I wouldn't hurt her anymore.

On my way home, I gave another call to my 'friend' and got the necessary medicine before stuffing it all in my jacked pocket. As soon as I got back, I rushed to the bathroom and, yanking the cupboards open, I grabbed all the pills I could find. Then I ran to Jordan's room and looked for the key to mine. I knew he had it hidden somewhere. After a few minutes' search, I found it in one of his drawers and locked myself up in my bedroom.

And then I got high.

And again.

And again.

Eventually I lost track of time, ignoring the constant pounding at my door. The moment a conscious thought made its way to my foggy brain, I popped a pill. I also had my stash of herbs, which the guys hadn't thought to steal away, as well as my ketamine.

So I just made sure to stay constantly under the influence of drugs. I would fall asleep from time to time and have extremely disturbing, vivid dreams. Or maybe those were just hallucinations.

I didn't know, and frankly, I didn't care.

Everything that wasn't reality was good enough for me.

I'd established that Kat was my drug, but she wasn't here, and she never would be if I could help it. She deserved better than me. Much better. And so I'd just drown myself in medication, waiting for some kind of release from this pain. This love.

Who would've thought something that beautiful could be so deadly?

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And here we have an indecisive and high as fuck Oli being insecure and what not ^^

Tell me what you think :3 

BTW i feel you should know next chap is the last one...you'll also get an epilogue if you're nice ;)

Othilia.