Screaming (but no noise comes out)

Chapter 5

Trigger warnings: alcoholism, miscarriage & baby loss, vomiting

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Autumn had considered trying to reduce how much wine she was drinking, and for the first time didn't need a drink. With the happy news that Sorscha had made it to the birth of her daughter and that she was going to name her daughter after her left Autumn feeling happier than she had in a long time. As Marjorie happily chatted away to Sorscha on the phone, Autumn felt herself begin to shake, her head pounding and her stomach swirling. She'd skipped lunch, instead being on edge for the phone-call from Clodagh, and had immediately gone and had her can of wine in the thermos cup. Usually by this time, she'd have had two or three, whereas today she'd only had half. Satisfied that Marjorie was distracted on the phone gushing away to Sorscha, Autumn tilted her head back and downed the rest of the wine in her Pacto cup in one go.

Autumn blinked hard, trying to concentrate. She felt her hand shaking as she tried to type at her computer, and more nauseous. As soon as Marjorie put down the phone, Autumn felt bile rising in her throat once more. She brought her hand to her mouth as she tried to choke it down, running in the direction of the toilets. She managed to lock the door, leaning over the toilet dry-heaving a few times before she felt her throat burn with acid as the wine came back up. Autumn groaned as she heard footsteps, not wanting to deal with anyone right now.

"Autumn?" Marjorie asked as she knocked on the door. "Are you alright?"

Autumn coughed a few times and cleared her throat. "I'm fine, Marjorie".

"Are you sure?" Marjorie frowned. "It sounded like you were sick".

"I'm fine" Autumn insisted with a roll of her eyes.

"You're not fine" Marjorie pointed out. "Can I come in?"

Autumn flushed the toilet before she unlocked the door staying huddled on the floor.

"What's going on?" Marjorie asked as she sat on the floor with Autumn.

"I'm car sick" Autumn shrugged, not meeting Marjorie's eye.

"You've been back here over an hour. What's really going on?" Marjorie held her arms open for Autumn.

"Being back there, at the hospital" Autumn admitted as she leant into Marjorie's arms. "It was so hard".

"Shh, it's okay" Marjorie said, soothing Autumn as though she was one of the children. Marjorie held Autumn, even though she wasn't crying as she knew that she needed comfort. "Okay?"

"I think so" Autumn murmured, shuffling out of Marjorie's arms. "Can you get me a glass of water?"

"Of course" Marjorie walked to the water fountain, frowning as she noticed no cups there. She went back to the office and noticed Autumn's empty pacto cup, then spotted her water bottle. Marjorie grabbed the water bottle and returned to the bathroom, watching as Autumn stood by the mirror and took a gulp of water, swirling it around her mouth a few times before spitting it out.

"I'm going to head back to the office" Marjorie said. "Are you okay?"

Autumn still refused to meet Marjorie's eyes, nodding. Once Marjorie had left, Autumn went upstairs to the staffroom. She opened the cupboard and took out a few slices of bread, eating it plain and dry before she went to her locker and had her second wine of the day. All she knew then, was that she felt better already.

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When Autumn went to visit Sorscha and Clodagh, she visited them at home. Despite the fact that Clodagh had ended up with an emergency c-section, she fortunately was recovering well and was allowed home after twenty-four hours. Two days after the birth of baby Quinn, Autumn and Marjorie took the day off and went to Sorscha and Clodagh's home to meet the baby. It was a lot easier than Autumn had expected, to meet the baby. She managed to hold herself together the entire time she was there with Marjorie, even if she did cry once home. She thought about Olivia, and how she'd put her in a room full of babies after her miscarriage. She knew that this must've been how she felt, even if it had been a few months from Olivia's miscarriage to returning to work. Autumn briefly held Quinn at Marjorie and Sorscha's insistence, and felt another cramp in her lower stomach when she held the baby. She held her for a few minutes before passing her back, excusing herself to the toilet to compose herself before she went back to the living room. The moment she was home with Winter, she wept into his arms on the sofa and Winter held her, gently stroking her hair. The weekend had come and gone quickly, Autumn and Winter opting to go for a walk along the beach while the weather was still nice.