Screaming (but no noise comes out)

Chapter 13

Trigger warnings - body dysmorphia, discussions of baby loss

————————

Winter and Autumn were the last to arrive at the spa. Usually, Autumn would aim to be early everywhere, but she wasn't too sure about even going there today. In the end, Winter managed to persuade her to go and they arrived just in time.

"Good, you made it" Marjorie smiled, pulling Autumn in for a hug. Autumn tensed at the touch and Marjorie felt this so pulled back and hugged Winter instead. "Now that we're all here, I'll get us checked in".

Autumn looked down at the floor. She was excited for the day but also nervous. She had to buy a new swimming costume at the start of the summer as her chest kept growing, and decided to buy a bikini instead as she'd be pregnant throughout the summer, or so she thought. Autumn ended up getting rid of all her other swim wear last year, so this was all she had. Autumn had always felt self conscious about her body and eating habits. While as a child Reece was overfed, Autumn was told that "girls shouldn't eat that much food" and was always underfed. Reece was brought up to be big and strong, while Autumn was brought up to remain dainty and petite. She knew she was quite physically strong, ever since she found out what happened to her she didn't feel strong anymore. She'd failed to do the one thing a mother should do, protect her child. The early stages were quite tough so Autumn hadn't kept up her routine as much as before, so now she couldn't help but feel weak. Especially since the seizure. Autumn glanced out the corner of her eye and noticed a QR code for a medical form, wondering as to whether or not she should scan and take the questionnaire. Marjorie quickly returned from the desk and they were taken through to the changing rooms while Winter was taken to the men's. They all were given towels and robes before going through to the women's communal changing room.

Autumn looked around, trying to see where the most private area was. It was all out in the open, so she'd have to change with the others or in the toilet, so kept looking around to see where she could be away from the others. Fortunately she noticed one private changing room and went straight there before anyone else noticed, locking herself in. She heard Marjorie walking outside.

"Where's Autumn?"

Autumn felt her heart speed up. She inhaled quickly, feeling like she wasn't getting enough air as she inhaled sharply again.

"Oh she's just gone to change I think" Charlotte said. Autumn held her breath, trying to get her heartbeat to slow down. She remembered feeling similarly when Reece was stood outside the toilets after she'd just been sick again, but then it was more of a giddy feeling, a happiness though nervous as to how her brother would react. Now it was the opposite. It was fear. The fear of the vulnerability, and while she did think the spa was a good idea at the time of planning, she now wasn't too sure. Before her pregnancy, Autumn was happy with her body. Even during, while she noticed that her stomach was less toned and she started to have stretch marks along her thighs lower abdomen and on her boobs, it was a side effect that she was growing her and Winter's daughter. Now it was just a reminder of what she'd lost. Autumn sighed as she looked herself over in the mirror, adjusting the bikini. The top was styled more like a crop top so more on the modest style for a bikini, but Autumn still couldn't help but notice her imperfections. The stretch marks just above the bottom half of the bikini, the way her stomach stood out more now than it did before. Autumn grabbed the robe and tied it around her waist, slipping on her flip-flops before unlocking the door, steeling herself for the others. She hadn't taken too long to get ready but had to mentally prepare herself, so when she exited the private changing room everybody else was almost ready.

"You okay?" Marjorie checked.

"I'm fine" Autumn insisted as she dragged her bag over to a locker. She glanced out the corner of her eye but focussed on putting her belongings into the locker, leaving a hair tie around her wrist in case she decided to later tie it up. Autumn checked her phone one last time to see if the police or hospital had phoned, they hadn't so she put it in her locker and locked it.