Screaming (but no noise comes out)

Chapter 12

Trigger warnings: panic attacks, emetophobia, discussion of baby loss and alcoholism

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Marjorie rushed down the hallway to the staff toilets, pushing the door open straight away.

"Autumn!" Marjorie called. She noticed the end stall was locked and went over to it. "Autumn, are you in there?"

Autumn didn't respond, but Marjorie could hear her rapid, shallow breathing.

"Autumn" Marjorie said softly. "Can I come in?"

Marjorie didn't receive an answer, but heard the door unlock and she pushed the door open. The toilet lid was closed, and Autumn was sat on it, hunched over with her hands over her face.

"Autumn, she's gone now" Marjorie said, putting her hand on Autumn's knees, running her thumb around in circles. She wasn't quite sure what to do, but she knew that Autumn needed some comfort. "Siobhan's not there, do you want to go back to the office?"

Autumn didn't say anything,still hiding her face.

"Autumn, Siobhan's gone. Let's go back to the office". Autumn looked up, her eyes bloodshot and still breathing rapidly. She nodded at Marjorie and stood, walking back to the office on unsteady legs where she sat back in her chair.

"Do you want me to close the door so no parents can come in?" Marjorie asked. Autumn nodded, but her breaths remained shallow and rapid. Marjorie wasn't sure of what to do, and slowly walked towards Autumn. "Autumn, it's okay" Marjorie said. "You're in the office, it's just me and you, Siobhan's gone". Marjorie looked at her watch. It felt like time had slowed down as she tried to comfort Autumn and keep her afloat. The worst part was, Marjorie wasn't surprised that Autumn was like this.

Autumn's eyes glistened with tears, but she felt like she couldn't cry anymore. Autumn knew she was shaking, and it reminded her of the night she was blue-lighted into hospital. She couldn't stop shaking then, neither could she when she was in labour and didn't realise it. Knowing that her baby was gone and she still had to give birth was one of the hardest things. It all happened too fast for her to be given anything stronger than paracetamol, even if she did end up going home with a prescription of dihydrocodeine and instructions to not drink. She didn't listen, she had no reason to. The only reason she wasn't drinking was because of the baby, and with the baby gone she didn't have a reason. She had Winter, and so many people cared about her as per the visits when she was in hospital, but it wasn't the same. Now she wasn't even allowed to drink anymore, the one way she was coping she couldn't continue with. And it made her feel worse, her heartbeat speed up more and like she couldn't breathe. Marjorie's hands in hers kept her steady, and the instructed breathing helped. It took a while, autumn wasn't quite sure how long she was on the floor with Marjorie loudly breathing to regulate her breaths, but it stopped. When it did, Marjorie sat by the wall next to Autumn, her eyes sympathetic.

"Why was Siobhan here?" Autumn asked after a period of silence. It didn't feel awkward or forced, as both women needed the silence.

"Your father's been taken into police custody" Marjorie stated.

"Good" Autumn breathed.

Marjorie didn't say anything, the same sympathetic look in her eyes. "Are you okay?"

"I don't know" Autumn said. Even if he had been arrested, they'd still have to have a court case to get him sentenced, and that was only if he didn't find a way to get out of things.

Marjorie craned her neck, noticing that Autumn didn't have her water bottle on the desk today. Previously she'd have two, her usual one and a straw cup where Marjorie now knew she was keeping wine. "Do you want a glass of water?"