Dopamine | Adrenaline Book Two

18.2 - How Did It End?

There it was. In one sentence Max had confirmed to Charles that despite what they had built and the love they had sworn by, he had never trusted him. Standing only a couple feet away from the other man, Charles stood in silence waiting and hoping that Max would correct himself. That he would apologize for entertaining the thought that this could be his doing.
The longer that Max remained silent, the more prominent the ache in his own heart became— unable to comprehend how after all their nights together and the unyielding love that Charles had displayed for him, Max found him capable of a betrayal this grand.

"Please, don't," Charles managed to find his voice, his heart rate increasing at an alarming rate; fearing a repetition of the accusations he thought they had moved on from. "Max," he whispered, his eyes glistening and jaw tensed as he held back his tears, giving the other man a chance to realize that he would never do this to him, let alone twice. "You don't really think it's me, right?" His plea was desperate, wanting more than anything to avoid the heartbreak that he could feel coming. "Please, tell me you trust me," his voice came out shaky, fearful that he already knew the answer but praying that he was wrong.

Max scrutinized the tension etched in the other man's face, his own expression turning disheartened. "Who else could it be?" he asked, offering a fleeting moment of doubt.

"I don't know," he confessed, "but I'm telling you it's not me." With a hesitant step forward, Charles closed some of the distance between them. "It wasn't me before and it's not me now, Max."

"Charles..." The man sighed, struggling to believe him and to simply erase his doubts. How could he build trust that had never existed? Max had never truly believed it wasn't Charles; he had just decided to accept it and forgive him. "Why is it that every time we get together, it happens?" he asked, his words softened. "And every time we stay apart, it stops."

"I want to believe you, but it's so hard to ignore all the signs," he mumbled, reaching out to touch his face. "You know you don't need this," he whispered, caressing his cheek. "You don't need me to win." He furrowed his eyebrows, trying to convince Charles. "Whatever they tried to tell you, whatever you think, you don't need any of that."

"Max," he whispered shakily, giving into his desire and pressing his face against Max's hand, afraid that he wouldn't feel his caress after that night. "I wouldn't do this. You have to know that," his tears began to slip as he looked into the blue eyes, finding love in them but not an ounce of belief in him. "After everything," he continued, "I can't lose you again, Max. I don't know how to make you believe me but I know you feel how much I love you, I wouldn't risk you for a win. You know that, you have to know that. I need to know that you trust me Max, I need you to say it," he begged, kissing the palm of his hand that rested on his cheek before turning back to face him, his face now tear streaked and reddened.

Max slipped his hand away from him and looked down to the floor, trying to find it within him to completely ignore all the signs, all the logic, and just blindly follow his heart. But this was not the kind of person Max was. He was someone rooted in what's factual, what's there and what isn't. Blind faith wasn't something that was part of him. And what he knew was that Charles had nothing to back him aside from his own words and showcases of love, while against him there were so many more concrete proofs.

"Charles, whether it's you or not, the end result is always me suffering every time I start seeing you again," he stated, his eyes locking onto Charles's watery green ones. "You're asking me to believe you, but not believing you is even harder. I want you, but... I still want to win. I want to win, Charles. I don't want to have to choose between the two, but racing is my life, and I don't have forever. Neither of us do. Yet, the closer I get to my dreams, the further away I push you from yours." His heart felt like it was tearing itself to shreds. "And I feel like you hate me for it, for taking your dreams away from you. So knowing that, how can I believe it wasn't you when you have every reason to do it? Especially knowing that no matter what you do, I'll still love you?"