𝐁𝐔𝐑𝐍 𝐅𝐎𝐑 𝐘𝐎𝐔 - 𝐌𝐈𝐍𝐒𝐔𝐍𝐆

03 | comfort movies

I know i'm unloveable
You don't have to tell me
─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

I enjoy my own company. There was a moment in my life when I did surround myself with a group of people to feel less lonely but ironically it made me feel more alone.

I was good on my own and I understood more now why my mom would tell me that there is nothing better than independence. It's less stressful and easier to maintain.

I've never been one to surround myself with negative people, really. It's draining and depressing. However, social media was my kryptonite. It's knowingly a negative space and I've fallen victim to it because where else would I internet stalk people?

Today's victim, my new roommate. Who so happened to be best friends with the guy I used to... not date but, how do I put this, sleep with?

Minho, I was never friends with him personally. Hyunjin had this posse, we hung out around them occasionally but I never got close to any of them. Minho wasn't always around, which now makes sense because when I was with Hyunjin's friends it was typically at some random frat party—I didn't see Minho attend much of those, possibly keeping up his good image but now and then he would join his friends.

In those times we didn't speak much, I barely held any sort of conversation with any of them but still, I did start to slowly consider them as my friends because they were always inviting when it came to whatever was going on with Hyunjin and I— I had no idea what Hyunjin was telling them the whole time we were sleeping around. He has this reputation of being a relationship guy, he was in this year long relationship with some other guy who moved away and so when we started seeing each other he made it seem like that's all it was, sex.

He had just gotten out of a serious relationship and physically needed someone. I understood that. We both understood that it was nothing more than some fun.

But without notice, we became considerably closer through the months and I continuously pushed back the feeling of it getting more serious. It felt weirdly good to be around him. In hopes that maybe we could just be friends with benefits, no strings attached sort of ordeal. One day he randomly sprung on me that he was starting to gain feelings, in typical me fashion, I ran from it. Told him I don't do relationships, I never have.

Back to Minho, he was possibly the kindest one out of the group. When he did attend the frat parties with us, he would check in on me when Hyunjin left to play beer pong—keeping me company over small talk. He always had this gentle voice that made me pull away because no doubt anyone could get lost in it.

He was just nice. That's really all I could've ever said about him. So, when things ended with Hyunjin and me a part of me thought Minho would've had my back but now I knew that was stupid of me to think.

Hyunjin is his best friend. From what I remember Hyunjin telling me, they moved here together. Met freshman year of high school and been friends ever since. Why would he choose some random guy over his friend? Maybe I was just delusional to think Minho saw the best in everyone. I had no reason to be hurt about it.

Just like I have no reason to feel envy when scrolling through Minho's social media. I stumbled upon a familiar picture. The flash is bright and shows how evidently drunk everyone is as they cling to each other with bright smiles. I could practically hear the laughter and loud voices over the music that played.

My eyes go to myself in the picture, a smile as large as the one my mom had of me when she had taken me to the aquarium for the first time. This time I was at a frat party with a group of people who would only later hurt me.

Hyunjin's arm was slung over my shoulder, bringing me close as he placed a kiss on the crown of my head. I swallow harshly as I feel the guilt creep in. Truthfully I never wanted to hurt him but I can't change the way I am and I don't think that it's something I have to continuously apologize for.