Big Shot | ✓

43 | inside out, reprise

When I was in middle school, I had a stuffed sea turtle I refused to part with. I'd gotten it at Sea World on a family vacation, and the only reason I have such a vivid memory of it was because there's a photo still in my parent's front hallway of me, Beth, and Amy where I'm holding that stuffed turtle in front of the turtle tank. I couldn't have been older than five. By the time I transitioned into 7th grade, my Little Mermaid themed room had grown into the abstract pinks and purples appropriate for my 7th grade self, but I refused to let that turtle go, even though my mother repeatedly insisted upon it, saying it was "for little kids."

I tried to find irony in the fact that I was laying in my old bedroom at my parent's house, clutching onto that turtle for dear life as I FaceTimed with Kayla. Football season had become so insane for both of us, we'd barely spoken over the last few months. I figured it was finally time to fill her in - what I did or didn't divulge at this point didn't matter anymore, because it happened, and I could no longer trick myself into thinking it didn't. At the very least, she wouldn't let me wallow in self-pity.

"Honestly, the worst part about that Barstool article was that whoever wrote it definitely thought they were paying you compliments," Kayla said with a sour face. She'd cut her hair short since the last time I'd seen her, and her auburn red waves now stopped at her collarbone. "Do you think Reid's seen it?"

"Who knows?" I sighed out, squeezing the neck of the turtle a little tighter into the crook of my arm. The very mention of Reid's name still made my chest tighten. "I don't think it matters. We are decidedly not together, so there's no longer any merit in the article anyway. Serves them right."

"I still can't believe the first time you had sex with him was after Derek's birthday party and none of us figured it out," Kayla snickered through the phone. "You two were slick."

"We agreed not to tell anyone," I groaned, rolling over onto my stomach. "At the time I was so convinced it was going to be a one-time thing, and it really just should have been. It would have saved us both a lot of aggravation."

"That's what you're choosing to call this?" Kayla tilted her head. "Aggravation?"

I groaned again. "What else am I supposed to call it?"

"Uh, how about being sad about breaking up with your boyfriend because you want a successful career that isn't related to him?"

"He was never my boyfriend, and I'm not sad." I'd rolled onto my back now, leaving my phone upwards so Kayla could watch my ceiling fan spin with me.

"Uh huh, sure," Kayla scoffed. "Listen, nobody understands how you're feeling better than I do. I made the same decision you did." When she paused, I reached over for my phone and held it back over my head. Kayla looked puzzled.

"Do you regret it?" I asked her. "I mean, not letting what was happening with you and JJ play out?"

Kayla let out a dry chuckle. "Sometimes. But there are also times that I'm happy with where I'm at now, and I just don't know what the outcome would have been if JJ and I pursued something, but...I'm also not sure I loved JJ. Not the way you love Reid."

The use of present tense when Kayla said love made me feel like I was being zapped, like a stupid moth who'd flown too close to a porch light. I was the stupid moth who would probably love him forever. That didn't mean I wanted to be reminded of that fact.

"You could still talk to him, you know," I offered. Anything at this point to get the subject off of Reid. "He's not seeing anyone."

Kayla shrugged. "I think the damage is already done. It would be different now. Too much time has passed, and all those old wounds are scarred over now."