When I Was A Stranger To Myself

Chapter One: Unsealing Of Tangled Feelings

Like really dark mornings of school, when you're waiting for the bus in the freezing weather. All the city is dark and when the bus arrives the lights in it are on. Wearing the sweater and getting cozy in the seat and having the best sleep ever, then waking up to reality and having lots of fun at school. Then waking up to grow and never experiencing those cold mornings again. Life was never nostalgic except for some memories from nature and things. I have countless things that remind me of old times but I wondered why a person can be not nostalgic? Is it because of the development of humans? If so I don't think I ever developed. I had so many emotions I felt so many forms of happiness but they never returned. I wanted to discover many emotions and name them, I wanted to feel so many more things. I have never felt "wanted". Of Course when you're the only person around people then you are "needed" but...

I hate people who are loved. I scared myself so many times when I wanted to love my family but I held so much hate for them that I ended up disturbing my own peace. I guess I was abnormal at that time. I had urges to kill my family and friends. I got every single thing I asked my parents for except love and praise. Maybe they did love me but I never felt loved. I was good at crafting and I crafted a doll by myself which I found really pretty and had a blurry dream of being a dollmaker. I liked teaching too. I wanted to be a librarian too. I never thought of the possibility of achieving so many things. I had few classmates I talked to, I never made any good friends and for some reason people didn't like being with me.. I had a really nice friend named Zen, but he left the school when we were in 6th Grade. He gave me his elder sister's contact so we could talk, but I didn't have a device. I could've called him from my mothers phone but I didn't. I don't know why. 

All friendships had gone shitty ever since he left. I at least enjoyed and had fun with him.. We cared for each other. We never hung out. In my free time I used to read books or go skating. In a 20 minutes walk from home there was a sports club where there were rooms to practice all kinds of sports. The people only used the halls for basketball, soccer and badminton. The club didn't have many members, especially mine, I was mostly alone, rarely staff members used to come and watch me but we never talked even though they applauded after every time I was over with practice. As my country is mostly cold throughout the year there have been so many skating rinks for kids. My School held a competition too, only if I'd known it was the last time. I got second position and promised myself to do better but there weren't any events like that again. Not like I was praised for second place either.

I became a pro later. Sometimes success doesn't make you happy, how many times have I achieved success anyways? One? Two? Only? What is success anyways? I am still living on Is it a success? Am I getting praised for living? No. Why can't a person who's just started getting successful in little things be praised? And why does one who fails keeps getting lectures?

I wanted to be successful now that I loved skating. It didn't mean I would become a skater but Why not? It's a hobby and why can I not if I tried,, but how do I cut all the ropes that are tied to my back?

I had a twin.

My twin brother Hikaru who was really talented. He never failed to impress my parents and cared for them. His name means light and he proved that. He had the ability and the skill. His development was extremely fast. He started going to school 1 year before I did. His grades were A1. His friends were loyal. His personality was attractive. He was successful in 95% of his plans and wishes, but he still wasn't happy in himself.

My parents bought all kinds of good fortune, success and positive charms for him. Honestly I wasn't jealous of Hikaru, I hated him. I hated his existence, I wanted to wipe him out for being so ungrateful. I hated him for being good, for being a successful person. Why is he always the first option for parents? I wanted to have some other siblings other than Hikaru, but unfortunately I didn't. I hated him so much, but he was trying his best.