It's okay.

Chapter 19

Vanny woke up with a headache in Jake's bed staring at the ceiling. She looked over and Jake wasn't next to her. She was alone. She couldn't remember anything that happend last night after Alex left. All she could remember is how she felt, this overwhelming, terrible, paralyzing pain. She couldn't talk, She couldn't move, she couldn't breathe, But her mind was moving. Her mind was moving VERY fast like a big jumbled up mess of thoughts, emotions and pain. If you've never felt like this then you will never really understand what it's like. At this point she didn't want to talk to anyone she was just ready for it all to be over but it wasn't. she had to keep going. so she got out of bed and then her phone rang. "Hello?" Vanny said into the phone before even looking at who it was. "Hey....Vanny?" Her mom's voice came through the phone. "MOM!? Your okay!?" Vanny screamed. "yes I'm okay sweetie." Her mom said, she sounded so happy. Her mom hadn't called her sweetie since Vanny was little. "Hey mom! How are you? I mean are you out of the hospital?" Vanny said. "I'm okay. And yes I'm out of the hospital." Her mom said in a restful tone. "Does that mean I get to come home!?" Vanny exclaimed. "Of course, baby! But right now I gotta go. Call me when you're ready to come home." Her mom said before hanging up. Vanny sat her phone down and looked up. She took a deep breath and layed back down flat on the bed. Could this be the end of this long spiral of terrible things to happen to her? She could go home and be with her mom and Clara. Her dad was out of her life. She was popular at school and she had a great boyfriend...you would think that she was finally gonna be happy, but she wasn't happy. Why wasn't she happy? Then she remembered alex...for her to be truly happy... she needed Alex. She hated that. She didn't wanna feel like she needed another person to make her feel happy or complete but she did. She needed to talk to him so she took a big huge breath and stood up, slid on some uggs, and put on one of Jake's hoodies then she walked out of Jake's room. She walked over to the room Clara was staying in and knocked on the door. No one answered so she opened it and saw a sleeping Clara with drool sliding down her mouth. Vanny smiled and walked over to her. "I'm going out little ballerina." She whispered as she tucked her hair back so it wouldn't get into the drool and then walked out of the room. Vanny walked down the stairs and to the key holder. She saw that Jake's car keys were missing. She texted him "where are you?" Then grabbed the only keys left which were the motercycle keys. Did Vanny know how to drive a motercycle? No. Was she going to? Yes. She walked out of the door and hopped on Jake's motercycle, she started it and then looked forward at the trees in Jake's yard. Then she started driving. It felt like nothing she had ever felt before. The wind was in her hair, the smell of the big world filled her body, and she couldn't quite think of the word that described it, but it just felt....free. Free of the hurt, free of the pain, free of the stress, free of the responsibility and free of the world.

After the fight Alex didn't feel. he didn't think. he was just numb. When he got home his mom tried to talk to him but he ignored her, went straight to his room and slammed the door. He sat on his bed and stared at the wall then bounced his leg. He put in his AirPods and listened to music. it flooded his mind and body and he just closed his eyes and the feelings started coming back. the numbness was fading and tears started pouring out of his dark eyes. He stayed like this all night and he felt like he couldn't move. When the sun rose he looked over at the knife. it sat there calling to him. He loved the pain of the knife in his skin. it made him feel alive whenever he felt dead. he thought about it and right now he didn't really wanna be alive he wanted to be dead. it was time, he had nothing left, nothing he loved that loved him back. nowhere felt like home. nowhere felt safe. yep, it was time. he was done, it was over, HE was over. he had given everything he could give so he stood up, the tears still stained his face as he walked over to Grab the knife. he sat back down and started to really cry now. real, big tears. he was hyperventilating and his hands were shaking. as he took the knife it shook in his hand as he held it over his arm. he was gonna slit it open he was gonna end it all. he moves the knife closer and closer to his wrist "I'm done." He thought. "No one loves me the way I love them." And suddenly he knew exactly why his dad did this. He was gonna get to be calm it was all gonna be over. he was gonna be asleep so calm, so quiet. he started to smile through his tears the thought of feeling calm made him feel hopeful. the knife was now so close to his skin... and then- *ding* a text message came through. Alex stopped he was gonna do it and just let the phone sit...but what if it was Vanny... he needed to say goodbye. He had to say goodbye. He sat the knife down and grabbed his phone, the text was from Vanny and it read "it's okay."

vanny had been driving for a while until she felt this weird feeling, it was like-(well I can't describe it.) But Vanny had to pull over. something was telling her to do it like a voice inside her head but more captivating like she just had to listen to it. She pulled over and turned the key to stop the engine. she sat there and took a deep breath then she had to text Alex. she didn't know why but when did she ever know the answer to anything? So she pulled out her phone and texted him two little words. "It's okay." She didn't know why she sent it to him she just did.

Alex stared at those words for almost 10 minutes just starring, and crying. How did she know just what he needed? how did she do it at the most perfect time?HOW? Alex sat there it was the first time that he had ever resisted it. the first time he had ever fought it and won. And it was all because of Vanny.

Vanny had gotten back on the road and was almost to Alex's house which was in her dad's neighborhood. She didn't want to even be that close to her dad, but it's fine because she was gonna be with Alex. Alex made her feel brave and safe. once she parked the motercycle in Alex's parking lot she walked up to the door and rung the doorbell about 8 times with no answer. So she decided to just barge in, and it worked because the door wasn't locked. she had never seen Alex's house before. everywhere in the house there was pictures of him and his mom but none of his dad. she wondered if maybe he was never in Alex's life or his mom and dad just split either way Alex looked like a happy kid. The house felt cozy but in a way that was forced like it was made to be cozy to forget that it acctually wasn't (if that makes any sense) half of the stuff Vanny thinks doesn't make sense anyway. She walked through the house looking for Alex's room and then she heard sniffles from the bathroom. she went up to the bathroom door and knocked. "hey...it's Vanny." Vanny said in a soft voice. Alex took a gravely breath and said. "Hey... look you don't have to be here...you know, I'm fine-" "no your not." Vanny cut him off. "Open the door." Vanny said as she wiggled the door knob. There was Just Silence.....then the door knob twisted and the door swung open. "Hi..." Alex said with red soar eyes and a tear stained face. "Hi." Vanny said with the little half smile as usual. "So....i don't really feel like talking...." Alex said as he walked out of the bathroom. "It's okay I can leave if you wan-" Vanny tried to say before Alex said. "No." Vanny smiled. "I mean....i want you to stay." Alex said before waking over to the couch and sitting down. "I can just sit here and...not talk." Vanny said after following him and sitting down next to him. Alex nodded his head as a tear ran down his face. Vanny leaned over and wiped it off. She grabbed his hand and sat her head on his shoulder. They just stared at the wall together not having to say anything to let the other one know how they felt. they just knew.