Save Me

Chapter 12

Alexi softly taps me on the right shoulder, and I tilt my head back to look at him with raised eyebrows; "Yeah?"

"Whatcha buy that you're so shy about?" he whispers, not trying to disturb Lucca.

Turning my focus on the cartoon without answering him because it's not of his fucking business, and it's no one's business what I bought. Alexi starts chuckling, but that only lasts for several seconds before he lets out a loud sigh of frustration.

"Milan, I'm sorry, I shouldn't keep pushing the topic when it's obvious you don't want to talk about it," he murmurs, lightly knocking his knees into my shoulders.

"It's just that I don't like sharing my personal business with others," I grumble lowly, so Lucca's attention isn't brought into our conversation. "But come on, if any of you thought of me other than a sweet, innocent guy, you'd be able to figure out what I bought myself. Seriously, come on! I'm not innocent, I have a son that I birthed! I've obviously done things, I just never did things with anyone other than Gabriele."

I know that I'm basically telling him what I bought without telling him what I bought. A dark blush coats my cheeks, but I'm so over being asked, and feeling like I'm being teased by wanting to keep my purchases private. Shame fills my entire being at my outburst, and what I bought myself.

"Excuse me," I mumble after telling Lucca that I'll be right back, and he can stay to watch his show for a little while longer.

Rushing upstairs to my bedroom, I grab the bag of my earlier purchases, tie the bag shut, and rush out of the room after grabbing my cell and keys.

Stopping just inside the living room, I ask Alexi; "Will you watch him for a little while, or should I ask Da?"

Alexi and Lucca's head snap toward me before Alexi looks briefly at the bag, and looks at me again with a sad expression; "I'll watch him, yeah. Milan, you don't have to return what you bought because we were teasing you earlier. It's okay to buy what you bought, and use them for yourself."

"I feel pathetic, so I need to go back to the store," I grumble, shifting on my feet uncomfortably.

"Hey, there's no need to feel that way, Milan," Alexi says, standing to walk over to me, and gently places his hands on my shoulders. "Keep your stuff, and use these whenever. I'm sorry that I've made you feel however you're feeling about this. That was never my intention, I was just trying to have some fun with you. I didn't mean to make you feel bad or ashamed about something that's normal and natural."

Darting my eyes around to focus on Lucca while he watches the telly, and thickly swallow down the tears.

"It might be normal and natural, but I feel ashamed, like I'm tarnishing what he and I had together, ya know?" I mumble, trying not to cry. "I know you weren't trying to make me feel bad for what I bought, but you wouldn't let it go. I felt like you're judging me for what I do in my own time, in my own room when Lucca's asleep."

Alexi doesn't reply, and I can feel him staring intently at me, but I'm still focused on Lucca, so I continue; "I'm sorry I can't be who you want, or give you want from me. I'm just not ready, and I don't know when, or if I'll ever be."

Turning around, slipping out of Alexi's hold, I rush back to my bedroom, toss the bag on the bed, and leave the room. Shutting the door behind me, I lean back against the door, banging my head softly against the door several times for my messed up feelings about masturbating, missing Gabriele, and for liking Alexi a little more than I should because I don't feel that I'm honoring Gabriele, and what he and I had together.

"Hey, stop banging your head against the door," Romeo states, exiting his bedroom. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing, don't worry about me," I mumble, pushing off the door, and heading toward the stairs, trying to avoid my brother and the conversation.

"Milan, stop. I'm always gonna worry about you, you're my little brother," he calls after me, making me falter in my steps as I reach the top of the stairs. "I'm always gonna worry about you and Lucca, Papa, Da, and Alexi, too. I'm sorry Alexi and I were teasing you earlier about your purchases. We shouldn't have done that because what you do in your personal time is no one's business but your own."

"I'm gonna tell you what I told Alexi," I mumble, keeping my back to him because that's easier than actually looking at him. "It might be normal and natural, but I feel ashamed, like I'm tarnishing what he and I had together, ya know? I know you weren't trying to make me feel bad for what I bought, but you wouldn't let it go. I felt like you're judging me for what I do in my own time, in my own room when Lucca's asleep."

Walking down the stairs before he can reply, I sit back down on the floor next to Lucca, and Alexi's no longer in the room, and that's fine by me. Lucca snuggles into my side, and I wrap my arm around him, pulling him tighter into my side, and lean down to kiss him on the head. He's the best parts of Gabriele and me, and I can't deny that, but I just wish Gabriele was here to see him grow, learn, and be here to teach him things that I'm not good at.

"Milan?" Papa requests, stepping into the room, and I look over at him with raised eyebrows.

"Can you have Da or Romeo watch Lucca for a few minutes, so we can speak in my office?" he states, and I nod in agreement, wondering what the hell I did wrong.