Fooled by Perfection

Chapter 62: Signed & Sealed

Early Friday morning, Shonda came and got me, and she took me to the clinic. I was put to sleep for the procedure, and as the doctor had stated, it was over quickly. I stayed there for a few hours, and then I was able to go home.

On the car ride back to my place, I couldn't speak. I was speechless, and I felt void. I couldn't believe that it was all done and over. When I got inside my place, I went and laid down. Shonda told me that she would hang around in case I needed her. I drifted off to sleep after thanking her for everything.

When I woke up, I could hear noises coming from the kitchen. I got up to see what was going on. When I reached my living room area, I saw that Shonda was cooking something, and it smelled really good. When she turned around and noticed that I was standing there, she came over and gave me a hug.

*Shonda*

How are you feeling? You know what? Don't even answer that. I know you're not feeling too good.

*Ciana*

I decided to avoid the conversation in regard to how I was feeling. Instead, I asked her what she was making.

*Shonda*

I'm making you some homemade soup. I figured you wouldn't want to put anything too heavy on your stomach right now.

*Ciana*

Thank you.

*Shonda*

Are you in any pain right now??

*Ciana*

Yeah, in more ways than one. Not too bad physically, though.

(I knew my level of physical pain was what she was referring to when she asked the question.)

*Shonda*

That's good.

*Ciana*

"Umm...so, any update on Dezman?"

She shook her head, saying no.

"I'm happy that I have proof now about losing the baby to show him."

*Shonda*

Oh, you don't have to worry about that. I'm going to tell him. I'm the proof. I was there. I think he is going to be really upset with himself when he realizes that you had to go through all this, and he wasn't there for you.

*Ciana*

Yes, I do feel like he will regret it. I'd still like you to take the papers with you, though, to show him once he gets back, because that's the proof that he was looking for.

*Shonda*

I'll take them.

*Ciana*

Should we be worried about where he is?? I'm really worried, Shonda.

*Shonda*

I think he's just dealing with this shit by himself. Maybe he feels like this is what he needs to do. It's not the first time. He shut down like this when his grandma passed away, too. It's just how he deals with the real tough shit.

*Ciana*

Shonda, and I sat down. She brought some of the soup over with some crackers, and we continued to talk. When we had finished eating, I went into my room. I grabbed the papers stating that I had a miscarriage and the type of procedure I'd had done because of it. I rolled the papers up, and I slid them into my engagement ring to keep them from unraveling. I had done a lot of thinking about whether I should give Dezman the ring back, and I thought that it was only right if I didn't plan to be with him. I handed the papers to Shonda, and she didn't say a word to me about it. I think that she knew that giving it up was hard enough.

When she left, I sat down, and I thought about my future for a long time. I now had another situation here in Chicago that I was ready to move from. I couldn't live here and not be with Dezman. I knew that he wouldn't give up so easily, especially after he found out that I didn't abort the baby, and I didn't want the memories of our good times to haunt me. I knew that I would never be able to focus or move on.

The bottom line was that now that I had lost the baby, there was nothing holding me back from moving to New York, where I had an offer waiting for me. There was a plan in place to start working on my dreams, and I felt I couldn't turn down the opportunity. I knew that Dezman wouldn't understand, but it was something that I needed to do. I just need to get away from here—from him.