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Dear Journal,
I feel so fucking bad. Extremely fucking terrible, I'm an asshole and I'm aware.
Every moment spent with her fills me with so much unexplainable guilt that threatens me from the inside out but I can never stop going back.
It's almost like she's a drug, although I know she's bad for me she's also so fucking addictive.
I can't help but want more and more knowing that I shouldn't be indulging in it. Knowing that I shouldn't be unfaithful....
___
Onika
I laid against the headboard just admiring how pretty she was, her honey blonde tresses framing her face and neck marked by not only beauty marks but evidence of our sin.
We'd gone round after round until we both couldn't anymore. I was tired and wanted to sleep but I'd rather spend hours just admiring her... someone so close yet so far and it isn't her fault really.. it's mine.
Here I am laid up under a woman I shouldn't be with knowing fully well of my marital status. Leilani would be up waiting for me but I don't want to go home.
All we do is argue all day and honestly I'm tired of the daily repetitions. We can never just see eye to eye for a whole 24 hours. You know when they said opposites attract? Well not in our case.
If I say go right, she wants to go left and if she says go right, I wanna go left. It's honestly depressing being in that household all day.
I found peace here.
"Why're you still up?" Beyoncé's soft mumble pulls me out of my thoughts as I feel her snuggle up into me.
"Noth–" I don't even get to reply when the very loud sound of my phone's ringtone cuts through the air. Already knowing who it is, I let out the heaviest sigh I could possibly muster up.
"Just pick up." And I also notice the change of tone in Beyoncé's voice as she inches away from me but I'm quick to draw her back closer, ready to ignore the call.
It stops for a moment and I take the time to push into her under the thick duvets but then the phone begins to ring again only this time consistently.
"Just go, Onika." This time Beyoncé moves completely away from me, sitting on the edge of the bed stark naked.
"No." I put the phone on silent trying to reach for her again but she avoids my touch her eyes down to the bedsheets as she palms them in her fists.
I could see the pain in her eyes and it makes my chest tighten, "I wanna be with y–"
"Go Onika!"
I frown at her tone. I want to be with her tonight, no one else.
"Go home to your wife." She sighs, slowly limping to the bathroom leaving me alone with my thoughts in the cold and empty room. I sigh dejectedly, going to gather my things.
___
I can't help but get an attitude the moment I walked into the house. Leilani sat on the couch watching me intently as I walked in.
"You must be crazy!" She starts and I had barely even stepped foot into the house. I sigh already knowing it's going to be a long night.
I took off my work jacket, throwing it amongst the laundry as I passed the laundry room to get to our bedroom.
