One summer can change everything - Sugarhillddot

Chapter 42 - New Years

Darrian Jimenez

December 31st 2023

10:32am

(TW: Contains sexual content)

Ddot tried his best to manage his sexual tendencies, though he often found himself torn between his desires and the overwhelming guilt that followed. Sienna had always been supportive, never shaming him for how he felt or what he wanted, but he couldn't shake the feeling that he was asking too much. She was always more than willing to be intimate, but she'd been clear that she preferred a balance of 3-4 times every two weeks, or so. She didn't mind the frequency, but she also gently reminded him that this wasn't something she could maintain forever. Sienna had encouraged him to be more independent when it came to his sexual needs, telling him that he should try masturbation more often instead of relying on her for everything. Ddot had tried to be more self-sufficient, giving masturbation another shot, but it only made him feel hollow. It wasn't the release he craved; it was the connection with Sienna. Yet, every time he felt that pull toward her, he hated how desperate it made him feel. He didn't want to be dependent on her for comfort or satisfaction, but sometimes, the need for her was so overwhelming that it was all he could think about. What made it harder was the lingering trauma from his nonconsensual encounter with Amelia. He had hoped that reclaiming his sexual expression with Sienna would help him heal from the violation he'd experienced. It felt like the right way to restore his sense of control, but it wasn't as simple as he'd imagined. The guilt he felt afterward left him conflicted, and that confusion often led to him feeling even worse.

He knew he had to talk to Sienna about it. He had been avoiding the conversation, unsure how to bring up such a difficult topic, especially after all she had done for him. She understood him so well, but Ddot didn't want her to feel burdened by his trauma or guilt. Still, he needed her to know why he sometimes sought her out so intensely and why he struggled to manage his emotions around sex. After this, he promised himself, he would tell her everything. She deserved to know the truth. As Ddot lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, he rehearsed the conversation in his mind. He hoped she would understand, but a part of him feared she might feel overwhelmed. Would she see it as a reflection of his failure to heal? Or would she appreciate his vulnerability? He could only hope that the love and understanding they'd always shared would carry them through this. He sat up, causing sienna to get up in confusion as he seemed upset. "hey Darri, whats up?" sienna asked, softly. Ddot had to mentally prepare himself for what he was about to say. He took a deep breath, and began, hoping for the life of him, he wouldnt fuck up. "Sienna, there's something I've been meaning to talk to you about. I've been avoiding it because, well, I wasn't sure how to say it without making you feel responsible for something that's mine to handle. But I think I need to be honest with you, about why I've been acting the way I have." he paused, before continuing, looking at sienna's expression change from confusion to understanding.  "I know we've talked about finding a balance, and I completely get it. I don't want you to feel like I'm pushing too much, or that you're the only thing keeping me going. But lately... I've been feeling so off. It's like I want you around more than I should, and I hate feeling this dependent." he paused again, he felt that, if he spoke more too quickly, he'd break down. "take your time baby.' sienna said, scooting closer to him. He took another deep breath, and continued. "A lot of it has to do with what happened before, with Amelia. It messed me up in ways I didn't fully understand. I thought if I could be close to you, I could get some of that control back. But sometimes it feels like I'm trying too hard, and I don't want you to feel like you have to carry that for me. You've already done so much." Tears swelled in his eyes, fighting the tears that threatened to spill, she hugged him gently, soon letting go, so that he could finish what he was saying. "I've been trying to manage it on my own, but sometimes, it's just really hard. I know it's not fair to lean on you so much, but I guess I wanted you to know where I'm at. I'm trying to figure it out, and I don't expect you to fix it for me. I just... I don't know, I just needed to tell you."