Losing All Religion

Marie Payne- 2008

I awake to the sound of my alarm going off at 5 am, and roll out of bed annoyed. I had just gotten back to sleep after waking up in the middle of the night to the sounds of gunshots. It reminded me too much of my nightmares, and I listened to music to get my mind to shut off again. I hate waking up early and always have. The amount of control I have over anything in my life is zero, and I dread today like any other. Especially since today is Sunday, and Sunday means church. I would have loved to skip out on church, stay home with my dad, who hardly ever went to church, and who I hardly ever see anymore, but I'm not given that option. At least I have some time before I have to be dressed, which is amazing. I go to let the dogs out of their kennels and proceed with my morning chores. Everything in my life is dictated by my parents, and just like with the getting out of bed early, chores are expected. Anything other than absolute obedience means punishment, and I wish it would all just end.

I'm Marie, and I'm the middle child. As such, it is my duty to defy my parents at every corner and question everything about my life. I don't make the rules, I just have to live by them, okay? I have an older brother by a couple of years, Ray, who is in every way a momma's boy. And a younger sister, Sue, the joy of the family who can do no wrong.... especially since she is, in fact, the baby of the family. She was a surprise, and apparently the best one in the world to our parents. They practically worship over her, and she's only 4. Luckily, we moved a couple of years ago, which means we all got our own rooms. I got the one with a hole in the wall. Bugs come in and out, and the paint is peeling from all corners, but at least I no longer have to share a bunk bed with Ray. It meant that the peeling yellow walls of my bedroom and the crappy pink in my closet are freedom...a freedom I have never owned. Honestly, I'm surprised I'm even allowed to breathe air at this point, but I'll take anything I can get.

This is the summer before high school starts, and I'm terrified. Ray's already in high school. He's a junior at Apache High School, and I'll be coming in as a freshman. I know a lot of kids that are coming over from the middle school, but that's not a good thing. A lot of my church friends are in other school districts, so that means that I'm the only one with my particular brand of beliefs. There are other kids my age in the second ward, but they're kind of obnoxious. My childhood best friend moved away a couple of years ago, leaving me all alone to fend for myself, and I have so much anxiety over going to a new school.

I've never been the popular girl, I've always had a hard time fitting in. Part of that is not knowing who exactly I am. There is a huge rift of who I would like to be versus who I am forced to be, and I don't have a choice in who I have to present to be. My mother has eyes everywhere, it seems. She immersed herself early on in the community and on the school board since she was a clerk throughout elementary school. She only left because she had Sue, and I've only just been able to stop looking over my shoulder at every turn for her presence. I've been very... Isolated from a young age, and because of that, I have a hard time knowing just what to do or what to say.

So school is terrifying, and I've been having nightmares about going to school in less than a month. After breakfast and feeding the pets, I head into that ugly pink closet to grab a dress for church. Who came up with the clothes that were acceptable for 'worship' anyway? Why can't I wear something more comfortable... something that people can't try to look up as soon as I sit down? Why do I have to dress up to go to a hyped up book club? At least I know everyone there... I have since I was like five. It's always the same ten families sitting around. The guys there don't even pay attention to me at this point. Probably because my dad is terrifying and has been their scout leader at one point or another. I know that he has made his feelings about it clear to them.

It's way too early for this shit, and I honestly don't know what my mom sees in this. We sit in really uncomfortable pews, listen to people talk about the book that everyone's supposed to have read at least a million times since they were kids, and then we get to go to our classes...where we learn and read the same damn book they talked about for an hour and a half. Same old, same old. At least I have Ann to help me get through this. Ann and I have been friends since we were eight, and it's the only time we really get to see each other. She just gets me. I wish that she was going to school with me, but since she lives in the next town over, she has to go to the school there. She makes this less boring and helps me through music.

Her mom taught us all music from a young age. Ann hates to sing but plays piano. She doesn't like to play in front of a lot of people, but I like to sing with her, and she helps me learn new music. It's sort of our secret little fun time, and it helps the time go by faster. At least it's finally time to leave, and I'm just waiting to get out of here. I'm right where I'm supposed to be, waiting with my mom for my sister and brother to get here. She's talking to someone new, Jen something. Just moved here. I just want to go home. I'm tired of listening to the same talk over this guy who lived years and years ago. Jen is talking to my mom about where they're from, and that's when it happens.

I see him.

The world stops turning for a minute.

I am never going to be the same again.