Losing All Religion

Marie Payne- 2008

This day couldn't be longer if it tried. First I had to clean up dog puke, deal with my younger sister's tantrum because Mom was asleep, feed myself and her, and figure out what the fuck I should wear for my first day in high school. Of course, I didn't sleep well last night, and I have a raging migraine. I go through all of my new clothes and try to figure out which combination I hate the least. It doesn't help that fucking Aaron will be there, and my nerves are on high alert.

He's seen me in a dress, but he's never seen me in jeans and a shirt, and I feel like I need to dress to impress.

Obviously, I pull the skinniest jeans I could find since my mom won't let me wear leggings. But I have no idea which top to wear. I have no idea what he'll like, and I also want to avoid anything that's too revealing, since I've been sexually assaulted while wearing less. Knowing that I have to see my assaulters every day makes me super self-conscious.

I settle for a bland blue top with nothing on it, but it does show a little cleavage without being obvious. It isn't super form-fitting, which hides my insecure little belly. I've outgrown my chubby phase, since I grew boobs, but I was teased a lot growing up for my belly, and I just don't want any reminders.

I was never allowed to stop eating, but I did start eating significantly less portions a while ago, which has really helped.

Luckily I have a fast metabolism.

I go through the rest of my morning in a daze, brushing my hair, getting my backpack together, making sure that everything in my room is tidy because God forbid there should be so much as a sock on the floor.

I take one last look in the mirror, my insecurities showing through, running in my mind constantly, the tidal wave I drown in.

Then I leave my "safety net," though I've never really felt safe in this town, or in my own family, and prepare to leave for school.

Unfortunately my mom comes with me to sign in for classes, stand in all the lines, grab a locker, and learn the general layout of the school since I'm coming in as a freshman.

It's all really overwhelming, and I just hope that no one from middle school chooses to interact with me...at least not with my mom here.

I see him a few times today and nervously fix my shirt each time. He meets my eyes when he sees me and smirks, but neither of us say a word.

He's here alone, which must suck for him. I look nervously at my shoes and the ground, trying to clear my mind. I hope that my mom doesn't notice the transaction and blames the tinge of pink now spreading on my cheeks on the heat.

I mean, to be fair, it is a type of heat I'm feeling. It's just not the kind she'd approve of.

I avoid any more eye contact, and we quickly finish orientation. I breathe a sigh of relief when the door to Bill is closed (our parents' clever name for the car they had to buy when they had my little sister...'cause of the monthly payments).

Finally, I can breathe now that the hard part of the day is over. Even though it means that tomorrow, the real hell begins.

I don't have time to process that, though, on the way home. My mom questions me with the most trivial questions, and I wish that I could just have some peace.

I know she wants me to be excited about school, but mostly, I think she just wants to get me out of her hair, and I honestly want nothing more. I've learned the signs for when I'm not wanted.

At least one good thing happened to me today: he noticed me. Even if I couldn't tell if that was good for him, it sure as fuck made me 10 times happier for school.