all the what could've been

CHAPTER XV

Years passed, and I buried myself in work, hoping that the steady march of time would dull the sharp edges of my memories. My career flourished, and I found success in my new surroundings, but something was always missing. Despite the accolades and achievements, a hollow feeling persisted, reminding me of the parts of my life I had left behind.

Then one day, as I was going through my morning routine, a small, elegant envelope caught my eye, resting on my doorstep. I picked it up, my fingers trembling slightly as I recognized the handwriting on the front. It was Lucas's handwriting.

With a deep breath, I opened the envelope and pulled out a beautifully crafted wedding invitation. My heart sank as I read the names: Lucas Fletcher and Andrea Hughes. Below their names, a handwritten note from Lucas made my knees weaken:

"I'd cry if my best friend won't attend my own wedding."

Tears blurred my vision as I sank onto the nearest chair, clutching the invitation tightly. The past rushed back in an overwhelming flood—our shared moments, the laughter, the pain of leaving him behind, and the constant fear that had haunted me ever since.

Lucas and Andrea. It wasn't a surprise, really. Andrea had been there for him during the hardest times, and I had chosen to step away. Still, seeing their names together, knowing that he had moved on in a way I never truly had, was like a punch to the gut.

Over the next few days, I wrestled with my emotions. Part of me wanted to decline the invitation, to stay as far away from the wedding as possible, to avoid reopening old wounds. But another part of me, the part that cherished Lucas and wanted to see him happy, knew I couldn't let him down. Despite everything, he had reached out, wanting his best friend to be there on his big day. I owed him that much, at least.

As the decision weighed heavily on me, I found myself reminiscing about the past. I pulled out old photographs from the dusty box at the back of my closet. There were pictures of us at the beach, laughing in the sand, and others from the various adventures we had embarked upon. Each image told a story, a moment frozen in time that I had hoped to hold onto forever.

In a moment of desperation, I picked up my phone and dialed his number, only to hang up before it could connect. I couldn't do it. I couldn't bring myself to disrupt his life with my unresolved feelings. He deserved happiness, and I had to accept that it might not include me.

I decided to go home a week before the wedding to prepare myself mentally and emotionally. Packing my bags, I took a two-week leave from work, which my boss gladly approved, sensing the importance of my trip. The journey back was filled with a mix of anticipation and dread. The familiar sights of my hometown brought back a flood of memories, each one tinged with bittersweet nostalgia.

As I arrived at my childhood home, my parents greeted me with warm hugs and welcoming smiles. They had always been supportive, understanding the complexities of my relationship with Lucas. Over dinner, we talked about Lucas's wedding, their expressions mirroring the mix of happiness and concern that I felt.

"Are you sure you're ready for this, Cali?" my mom asked gently, her eyes full of love and worry.

"I have to be, Mom," I replied, my voice steady even though my heart was in pain. "It's important to Lucas, and I want to be there for him."

My dad nodded, offering a reassuring smile.

"We're proud of you, sweetheart. It's not easy, but you're doing the right thing."

Their support cheered me up, giving me the strength I needed to face the coming days. But as the night wore on, the weight of what lay ahead pressed down on me, making it difficult to sleep.

One afternoon, seeking a distraction, I decided to visit Jess, an old friend who had always been one of the person I can run to.

Jess welcomed me with open arms, her eyes filled with a mix of joy and concern. We settled into her cozy living room, sipping coffee and catching up on the years we had missed. Inevitably, the conversation turned to Lucas and the wedding.

"So, are you really going to go through with this?" Jess asked, her tone laced with frustration.

I sighed, knowing what she meant.

"I have to, Jess. He wants me there. I owe it to him." I answered, looking down.

"You owe it to him to be honest, Cali," she retorted, "You need to tell him the real reason why you left." her eyes piercing mine.

I shook my head, the familiar fear rising within me.

"No, Jess. It's too late. He's happy with Andrea. I can't ruin that for him." I said, trying so hard to contain my emotions

Jess leaned forward, her expression sincere.

"You can't keep burying your feelings in the past. Lucas deserves to know the truth, and so do you. What if he still cares? What if there's still a chance for you two?" she asked, directly staring at me.

"What if there's nothing?"

Her words cut deep, stirring up the emotions I had tried so hard to suppress.

"I can't, Jess. I just can't. I've made my decision, and I have to stick to it. Lucas is happy now, and that's all that matters." I said, my voice cracking.

"I just don't want you to have any regrets, Cali. But if this is what you truly want, I'll support you. Just promise me one thing—promise me you'll be kind to yourself. Don't let this eat you up inside." Jess sighed, her frustration evident.

I nodded, tears welling up in my eyes.

"I promise, Jess. Thank you for always being there for me." I said, squeezing her hands.

As I left Jess's house, her words lingered in my mind. The truth was, I had made my choice a long time ago, and now I had to live with it. I had to let Lucas be happy, even if it meant burying my own feelings deep within me.

On my way home, I passed by the park, the park that holds a lot of memories; memories with Lucas. I decided to take a long walk, I needed to clear my head, to find some semblance of peace before the storm of emotions that may hit the next day, their wedding day. As I walked, I whispered my thoughts to the wind, hoping for clarity.

"I still fucking love you Lucas. I love you so much, it hurts."

With each step, I let go of the dreams I had held onto for so long. I knew that life had moved on, and so must I. But as I made my way back home, I felt a flicker of hope. Maybe, just maybe, there was a chance for closure, for understanding, and for a new beginning.