all the what could've been

CHAPTER XVIII

Jessica didn't leave my side. She had her things delivered to our rest house so that we could get ready together. The wedding was just four hours away, and with each tick of the clock, nervousness coursed through my body like an electric current.

As I sat in front of the vanity mirror, my hands trembled as I applied my makeup. Jessica stood behind me, offering words of encouragement, but even her reassuring presence couldn't quell the butterflies in my stomach.

"Take deep breaths, Cali," Jessica said, her voice calm. "You've got this. Just remember why you're doing this." I nodded, trying to steady my breathing.

But no matter how hard I tried to focus, my thoughts kept drifting back to Lucas and the conversation we had the night before. Confessing my feelings would be liberating, but now that the moment of truth was almost here, I couldn't help but feel a sense of unease.

"What if I'm making a mistake, Jess?" I whispered, my voice barely above a whisper.

Jessica placed a comforting hand on my shoulder.

"You're not, Cali. You're finally being honest about how you feel, and that's all that matters. Whatever happens, you'll have no regrets."

"I still don't know, Jess."

Her words brought me comfort, but the uncertainty still haunted me like a persistent ache. I wanted to believe that everything would work out for the best, but deep down, a part of me feared the unknown.

As the hours passed, the restlessness inside me grew stronger. I paced back and forth in the small room, my mind racing with a million different scenarios.

"What if Lucas didn't feel the same way? What if I had ruined our friendship by confessing my feelings?"

Jessica watched me with a sympathetic expression, her eyes full of understanding.

"Try to relax, Cali. Everything will be okay. Just trust yourself." She said, trying to motivate me.

I nodded, trying to heed her advice, but it was easier said than done. The weight of my confession hung heavy in the air, you could see it in my face.

"What if it's too late?"

Before I knew it, the time had come to leave for the venue. My heart pounded in my chest as I slipped into the champagne, satin dress Lucas gifted me years ago, the fabric cool against my skin. Jessica gave me a reassuring smile as she zipped my dress, her touch gentle and comforting.

"Ready?" she asked, her voice soft.

I took a deep breath, summoning every ounce of courage I had left.

"As ready as I'll ever be." Convincing myself.

"What if it's really too late?"

With one last glance in the mirror, I fixed my shoulders and followed Jessica out the door, my heart filled with a mixture of hope and fear.

Arriving at the venue, my heart pounded so loudly I feared it might burst through my chest. With Jessica by my side, I took a deep breath and tried to compose myself as we entered the hall. I scanned the crowd, searching for familiar faces, and finally spotted our friends gathered near the entrance. Jessica suggested we go over to them, and with shaky legs, I followed her lead.

As we approached, our friends greeted us with warm smiles and hugs, their excitement evident in the air. I exchanged jokes with each of them, but my mind was elsewhere, consumed by thoughts of Lucas and the coming ceremony.

Once the initial greetings were out of the way, the conversation turned to me and Lucas, and I felt a knot form in my stomach as our friends began to speak.

"Can you believe Lucas is getting married?" Xander exclaimed, his eyebrows raised in disbelief.

"I know, right?" Jenny chimed in. "I always thought you two would end up together." Forcing a laugh.

"Yeah, you guys have always been inseparable. It's hard to imagine you with anyone else." Dylan nodded in agreement.

Gavin and Tanner shared a knowing look, their expressions mirroring the sentiment.

"But hey, love works in mysterious ways, doesn't it?" Gavin said with a grin.

"Whatever happens, Cali, just know that we're here for you. We'll support you no matter what." Sofia, ever the voice of reason, offered a reassuring smile.

I forced a smile, grateful for their words of encouragement, but inside, my heart ached with longing. It was hard to hear them talk about Lucas marrying someone else, especially when my feelings for him had resurfaced with such intensity.

As I stood among them, Xander leaned closer, a teasing glint in his eyes.

"You know, Cali, I always thought you'd be the one standing next to Lucas at the altar."

I laughed softly, though the comment stung more than I let on.

"Life is full of surprises, Xander."

Jenny wrapped an arm around my shoulders, giving me a squeeze.

"You've always been the strong one, Cali. But you don't have to be strong all the time. We're here for you."

I nodded, appreciating their support, even if my heart felt heavy with the weight of unspoken emotions.

As we chatted, Sofia brought up a memory from our college days.

"Remember that time Lucas planned that surprise birthday party for you, Cali? He put so much effort into it, making sure everything was perfect."

I smiled at the memory, a mix of fondness and heartache filling me.

"Yeah, that was Lucas. Always thoughtful, always going the extra mile."

Tanner joined in, laughing.

"And remember how he insisted on baking the cake himself? That thing was a disaster, but you loved it anyway."

"How could I not? It was the thought that counted," I said, trying to keep my tone light.

The laughter and reminiscing brought a bittersweet feeling, reminding me of the connection Lucas and I once shared. It was clear that our friends had seen what we hadn't—an undeniable bond that transcended friendship

Needing a moment to collect myself before the ceremony, I excused myself from the group. Jessica insisted on joining me, but I urged her to catch up with our friends instead. As I made my way outside, a wave of nervousness washed over me.

Stepping out into the cool summer air, I took a deep breath, trying to calm the butterflies in my stomach. But as I turned the corner, I saw Lucas joining our friends, his smile radiant and infectious. For a very short moment, my heart faltered, and doubts crept in about my decision to confess my feelings.

Watching him laugh and joke with Xander and Jenny, it felt like a cruel twist of fate.

"How could I disrupt his happiness now, on the day of his wedding?"

The weight of my emotions pressed down on me, and I couldn't shake the feeling of being trapped in an impossible situation.

With a heavy heart, I leaned against the wall, my thoughts consumed by what could have been. But deep down, I knew that some secrets were meant to stay buried, locked away in the corner of my heart. And as I watched Lucas from afar, his happiness shining like a lamp in the darkness, I made a silent vow to keep my feelings hidden, no matter the cost.

"It's for the best."