all the what could've been

CHAPTER XVII

After talking to Lucas, instead of going home to my parents' house, I decided to take a detour. I needed time to process everything, to be alone with my thoughts. The rest house two blocks down the road from my previous house that had always been a sanctuary for me, a place where I could escape when the world felt too overwhelming.

As soon as I entered the room, I dropped my bag and collapsed onto the bed, feeling the weight of the night pressing down on me. The conversation with Lucas replayed in my mind, his words echoing with a mixture of pain and bittersweet clarity. I had told myself I was prepared for this, but the reality was so much harder than I had anticipated.

Needing to talk to someone, I pulled out my phone and texted Jessica. She had been my confidante, the one person who knew the real reason I had left Lucas behind.

              Me: "Jess, I just talked to Lucas."

A few minutes later, my phone buzzed with her reply.

              Jessica: "Oh my God, Cali! What did he say?"

I took a deep breath, trying to gather my thoughts before responding.

              Me: "He thanked me for leaving. Said he wouldn't have realized Andrea's feelings if I hadn't. Also... he loved me for 12 years, Jess. He was planning to confess in college but never got the chance."

There was a long pause before Jessica replied, and I could almost feel her shock through the screen.

              Jessica: "TELL ME WHERE YOU ARE, ASAP!"

Without hesitation, I sent her my location. Within minutes, there was a knock on the door. Jessica rushed in, her eyes wide with concern.

               "Cali, what the hell happened?" pulling me into a tight hug. "Tell me everything." she demanded.

We sat down on the bed, and I recounted the entire conversation with Lucas, from his heartfelt thanks to the revelation about his feelings and the hidden message in the necklace. As I spoke, Jessica listened intently, her expression shifting from shock to frustration.

When I finished, she shook her head, annoyance clear on her face.

               "Cali, that's the problem with both of you. Everyone and their mother could tell there was something more to your relationship than just being best friends, but neither of you could see it. You both tiptoed around your feelings for so long, and now look where it got you." Concern and madness written all over her face.

I sighed, feeling a lump form in my throat.

               "I know, Jess. I know. But what can I do now? He's marrying Andrea tomorrow. He seems happy." I exclaimed. Jessica gave me a hard look.

               "Happy? Do you really think he's happy? He might be content, but there's a difference. You both deserve more than just contentment. You deserve happiness. Real happiness." She retorted, matching my pitch.

              "I can't ruin his wedding, Jess. It's too late for that." I looked away, tears threatening to spill over.

               "Cali, you can't keep burying your feelings and pretending they don't exist. You need to talk to him, really talk to him, before he makes a decision that could affect the rest of his life." She said after letting out a sigh.

The weight of her words hung heavily in the room. Part of me knew she was right, but another part of me was terrified of the consequences.

"What if I did tell Lucas how I felt, and it changed nothing? What if it only makes things worse?"

Jessica sighed, seeing the loneliness in my eyes.

               "Look, I can't make this decision for you. But you owe it to yourself—and to Lucas—to be honest. Whatever happens, at least you'll know you tried." She advised.

I nodded slowly, her words sinking in.

               "Okay, Jess. I'll think about it. I promise." Forcing a smile despite the pain I am feeling.

She hugged me again, offering a comforting presence in the midst of my confusion.

               "Just do what's right for you, Cali. You deserve to be happy too." She smiled and tapped my back.

After she left, I lay on the bed, staring at the ceiling. The night stretched on, filled with endless questions and no easy answers. Tomorrow is the wedding, and I have a decision to make. Whether or not I could summon the courage to tell Lucas the truth remained to be seen. But for now, I had Jessica's words to hold onto, a small glimmer of hope in the midst of my uncertainty.

I woke up the next morning with the realization of how big an impact today would have on my life. My heart felt heavy with anticipation and fear, knowing that whatever happens today could change everything. As I washed my face, the cold water did little to calm my racing thoughts.

A knock at the door interrupted my thoughts. I quickly dried my face and rushed to open it. It was Jessica, looking determined and slightly out of breath.

                "Good morning, Cali," she greeted, pushing past me into the house. "I couldn't sleep much last night, thinking about you." She pouted.

                "Good morning, Jess," I replied, closing the door behind her. "I've been thinking too. It's all so overwhelming." I responded and sighed heavily.

Jessica sat on the edge of the bed, her eyes full of concern.                

                "Have you made a decision?" she asked, concern.

I sat beside her, my hands clasped tightly together.

                "I don't know, Jess. I want to be there for Lucas, but I also don't want to ruin his wedding. What if I tell him how I feel, and it changes nothing? What if it only makes things worse?" voicing out my feelings.

Jessica placed a hand on my shoulder.

                "Cali, I know this is hard. But you have to be honest with him, and with yourself. You've both been avoiding your feelings for too long. It's now or never."

I looked into her eyes, seeing the support and understanding there. Jessica had always been the one to push me toward honesty, even when it was uncomfortable. Her words resonated with the part of me that had been longing to break free, to finally be open about the feelings I had hidden for so long.

"What if he doesn't feel the same way anymore, Jess?" I asked, my voice barely above a whisper.

Jessica smiled gently, her eyes softening.

"Cali, love isn't something that just disappears. It might have changed, evolved, but it's still there. You owe it to both of you to find out what's left. You deserve closure, no matter what the outcome."

Her words gave me a flicker of hope, a tiny light in the darkness of my uncertainty.

"Okay," I whispered, more to myself than to her. "Okay, I'll talk to him. I'll tell him everything."

Jessica grinned, pulling me into another hug.

"I'm proud of you, Cali. No matter what happens, you're doing the right thing."

As she pulled back, I felt a rush of gratitude for having her by my side. Her encouragement gave me the courage I needed to face the day and the decision that lay ahead.

"I'll be there with you, you know," she said, giving me a reassuring nod. "Whatever happens, you won't be alone."

Her words wrapped around me like a comforting blanket, and I nodded, feeling a sense of determination settle in my chest. The fear was still there, but now it was tempered by a resolve to finally confront the truth I had been running from for so long.

As we sat there, talking and planning for the day, I realized how much I had missed having someone who truly understood me, someone who saw beyond my defenses and knew my heart. Jessica was that person, and her presence reminded me that, no matter what, I was not alone in this journey.