all the what could've been

SPECIAL CHAPTER XX LUCAS

Today's my wedding day, and I should be happy, but a part of me is wishing that it's Cali I'm going to marry. Funny thing is, I've always believed that love is one of the foundations of marriage. But here I am, marrying a girl I despise. As I look at myself in the mirror, memories flood my mind.

"YOU'RE SO HELPLESS, LUCAS! HERE YOU ARE LOOKING FOR CALISTA, WHO DOESN'T EVEN GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOU! SHE LEFT YOU HANGING WHEN YOU NEEDED HER THE MOST, AND GUESS WHAT? I HEARD FROM MY FRIEND THAT SHE'S IN A RELATIONSHIP! I GUESS SHE'S HAPPY NOW, HAPPIER WITHOUT HER FUVKING, GOOD FOR NOTHING, BEST FRIEND. OH, MAYBE YOU WERE JUST A BURDEN TO HER, SHE ONLY PITIED YOU THAT'S WHY SHE STAYED WITH YOU FOR 12 FUCKING YEARS! AND MAYBE, SHE GOT TIRED OF YOU, THAT'S WHY SHE LEFT. SO FUCKING MOVE ON, LUCAS! CALISTA DOESN'T LOVE YOU, AND SHE NEVER WILL!" Those lines from Andrea echoed in my mind.

"This is for the best, Lucas. She's happier without you."

I closed my eyes, trying to push away the bitterness that Andrea's words stirred in me. I took out the letter I had written last night after meeting with Cali. My hands trembled slightly as I unfolded the paper, the weight of my emotions pressing down on me. I read the words, each line a testament to the love I had kept hidden for so long.

My Cali,

Seeing you after three long years brought me so much joy and pain—joy from seeing you doing fine and pain from wishing that I could hold onto you forever. I lied, Cali. I didn't just love you for twelve years; I still love you, fifteen years and counting. I don't know how to get this feeling off of me, Cali. From the day I laid my eyes on you, I loved you then, and I still love you now.

Fear consumed me, making confessing to you the hardest thing for me to do. I was a coward, and I still am. But what can I do? I don't want to bother you. It seems like you're happier without me. Seeing you tonight with that glimmer in your eyes made me stick to my decision of keeping my feelings hidden.

It's my wedding tomorrow, and here I am, writing a letter to the woman I truly love, silently wishing it's her I'm going to marry. How I wish fate didn't have to be this cruel to us. How I wish I could be with you for the rest of your life. How I wish to see your smile every morning and your face every night before I sleep. I love you so much, Calista, and I can see myself loving you until my time is over. Your name will forever be engraved in my heart, and though it's painful, I'd like to keep it that way.

--Lucas

After reading the letter, tears filled my eyes. I wiped them away, trying to muster the courage I needed. The weight of my love for Cali and my wedding with Andrea was almost too much to bear. With a deep breath, I stood up, letter in hand, and walked to the waste bin.

For a moment, I hesitated, clutching the letter tightly. The words on the page were my heart laid bare, a confession that had taken me years to put into writing. But I knew what I had to do. With a heavy heart, I let the letter drop into the bin, watching as it landed among the discarded papers.

"If staying away from you makes you happy, I'd stay miles away from you even though all I want is to be near you all the time, Calista."

Throwing away the letter felt like throwing away a part of myself, but it was also a necessary step. I had to let go of the past to face the future, no matter how uncertain it seemed. As I turned away, a renewed sense of determination filled me.

This is for the best, I told myself again, even though it felt like a lie. Taking a deep breath, I headed out to the venue.

As I entered the hall, I saw my friends talking, and my gaze was immediately drawn to Cali. She was walking away, and every instinct in me screamed to run to her, to hold her and never let go. But I forced myself to stay put. I couldn't ruin this moment, not with so many people watching.